u/RiotingSeastars

someone really close to me said that offhandedly while I was talking about how much I've been struggling with my shopping. I'm the type of loser that's hooked on buying comic books, movies, video games, music, etc and basically all of it is online shopping.

I have spent every dollar I had access to on all this stuff that, after the initial high of purchasing, is really only useful for escaping into. It's a desperate type of escapism that I have and it fuels itself in part because I threw away my future, my financial stability to buy this stuff. Literally spent everything. Cleared out my savings, racked up so much debt that its genuinely insane. I must be a crazy person for having done this, it's so bizarre because I don't think it had to be this way, it wasn't always like this. But even right now I have hundreds of shopping tabs open in my browser. I'm afraid to reach out to anyone for help controlling myself. Honestly ashamed of it. At the same time I feel like I'm incapable of controlling myself, no matter what I've tried to do I just keep spending. The only thing that seems to have slowed down my spending is hitting credit card limits but even that has been worked around in part by purchasing things with 'buy now pay later' plans.

I know I'm severely mentally ill and that it's impossible to untangle my poor mental health and bad habits from the shopping but I know that doesn't excuse any of it either. It all makes me feel like I should kill myself to be blunt. I attempted suicide once and it was pretty rough going, I spent a couple days in a coma recovering in hospital. I think the only reason I went through with that attempt was because I'd gotten drunk though. The impaired judgement nearly did me in so now I'm 100% sober!

After all that I can still find things that make me feel like I should keep on living. But even that still leaves me with this feeling like I need to escape reality... and then I'm gone into the comics and games again and before long at all I find myself back to shopping for more. Just one more comic, one last movie, it's always "this will be the last video game I buy for the rest of the year". But nope! It never ends. I'm so frustrated with myself. It's so unbelievably hopeless now and I know it's all my fault.

Sometimes I worry that I'm watching the metaphorical dominoes toppling over on their way to the one where I'm left homeless or maybe even dead. I don't have the money that I should for food anymore. I can't stand it but I never change. I basically take every opportunity to keep the downward spiral spinning no doubt on my way to an all new level of rock bottom.