Recovering, bit by bit(My Story)
Finding this sub was legitimately the first time I ever felt truly seen. I promise this post has a happy ending.
My parents pulled me out of school in the 4th grade for a major move. The plan was to homeschool me for a year, and then once everything settled put me back into public school.
Then they started their divorce. My trust in my father was instantly shattered, and my mom told me so much about how he had betrayed her and hurt her. She made me take her side, and I did so wholeheartedly and blindly. It was a whole mess and I, an unmedicated ADHD child, put all my energy into video games and writing stories with my friends.
Even when my parents tried to teach me, I freaked out and lashed out at them. I didn’t have a support system outside of my friends, and being with my parents was too much. It was a lot, and I regret rejecting school, but it came from a place of fear and feeling the need to pour all of my time and energy into escapism. Eventually they both gave up. Even when they finally separated, and my dad tried to send me to a private school, I didn’t trust him and couldn’t stand the feeling of being controlled by him. I was also far behind my peers in math and it felt humiliating.
I eventually refused to go to school, moved in with my mom, and dropped it. After that, no one tried anything. My mom was too depressed from the divorce to get out of bed, much less get me an education, and I hated my father too much to accept any help from him.
When I got older, about 14, I realized how bad of a situation I was in. I started listening to history and literature videos on YouTube. I started writing, and learning about story structure and a lot more. I learned so much, but I still didn’t touch math. I begged my mom to put me into school. I tried to leave her to live with my dad again. I don’t remember much from that time, but I remember that the severity of her anger and manipulation whenever I would bring up that sort of change scared me. It was too much, too fast, and I was too scared to leave the familiar makeshift independence I had with her for the structure I would have to live in with my dad.
At 20, I got a job as a cashier in a pharmacy. It was a big, terrifying step for me. I had severe social anxiety amongst several other issues. At 21, I decided to try becoming a pharmacy technician. When I first started, I couldn’t even remember how to write out an addition or subtraction problem. At first, my cousin tutored me. Then, through time and pharmacy training, I figured out how to write out division problems and multiplication problems. I moved out of my mom’s house to live with my wonderful partner, who moved from across the country to live with me. We’ve been together for almost 6 years now. At 23, barely a year after starting my pharmacy technician training, I passed my final exam with a near perfect score. The passing score was 1400, and the maximum was 1600. I got a 1591.
I learned to be more confident. I learned that I was capable. I learned how to talk to people.
A week ago, I quit that pharmacy job. I quit because I was starting community college. This Monday, May 18th, was my first day of school in almost 10 years. Closer to 15 if you ignore my two-month private school situation.
I am finally in a real history class. I’m taking Introduction to Algebra to make sure I understand the fundamentals of college math. I’m taking a college English class.
You do not have to have a traditional education to get where you want. I have a cobbled together transcript based on what I managed to teach myself. You don’t have to follow a traditional timeline. You don’t have to become your own multi-subject teacher in a mad dash to fix everything. If all you can manage is baby steps, that is fine. That is allowed.
You’ve got this. It took so long for me to get to a point where I felt safe enough to start school. You can turn your life into what you want it to be, piece by piece. It just takes time. You are on no one’s timeline but your own.