The thirst for knowledge has been nothing but a double edged sword
Where could I even begin? With the poison of 21 years of horror seeping from my pores, a treasure trove of horrors beyond comprehension. I am disgusted by the world I continue to find love in around me. A devastating hero complex, someone who wants to save everyone but can’t even begin to help himself. What a joke. No one can ever understand me because how could they? I think I’m some misunderstood complex mind when the complexity is almost all self imposed. Yes I’ve viewed hell in the face and here I am today, I’ve done that through endless coping and pushing it to the side and bottling it up and hiding it, until now all I’ve swept under the rug trips me everytime I walk on it. It’s a disgusting existence In a world that In its natural state is a violent malicious hellscape where trust is a weakness and love is a sword through your throat. The person holding it the very one you want to save. How can I save that? How can I fix that? No it’s not my job but it’s all I want to do. It’s what has given my life purpose beyond just surviving. I want to be a fixer. I want to be someone that alleviates the suffering around me. I see it. I hate it. I believe so deeply we have so much potential to be so much more. We show it. I feel it. I dream of it. Why must we fall into old ways because it’s easy. Why must I? Why cant we truly ever understand ourselves, we live and love and laugh and cry and understand our own mortality. Why cant we figure out how to make ourselves happy? How to love ourselves enough to love everybody without it damaging your very being. What are we even fucking doing?