u/RoseyPearly

tldr: I don't like drinking or smoking, but my friends love it. It is causing issues in our friendship and I don't know how to fix it, or how to change my mindset to be more accepting.

I've tried looking up posts of people with similar experiences or feelings, but the replies honestly just make me feel worse. I'm 18F with two best friends the same age, and in the past year we've gotten involved with things like every other kid our age. I grew up religious and never was around people who were drunk or high, and my only understanding of how people act while under the influence was from movies. Since I've experienced it for myself and seen how it actually makes other act, I've found that I honestly just don't like it at all. I hate how little control I have over my mind and body when I am high, and I get super paranoid every time always just wanting it to end. I haven't gotten drunk, but I assume it would just amplify those effects even more, so it doesn't sound appealing to me at all. My friends, however, love every part of it. I know I am the odd one out, so I really can't judge them because I know that they are the normal ones in this situation and that it is something wrong with me. Obviously I know that there is nothing wrong with abstaining from substances, and that I am really quite lucky to not have that pull towards them. My issue with this situation are the other problems arising from it.

For one, my friends are always high when I am with them, and I don't like how it changes them. I understand that they are free to do whatever they want and that them being high while we are together shouldn't affect the quality of our hang outs, but it just drives me crazy when their personalities change, they can't comprehend anything that is happening, I have to explain everything to them, or when they are always forgetting things that I tell them/interrupting me. It makes me feel like theres no use in even trying to get them to care about what I have to say. I know that them getting high to have more fun on their end is not something I should be taking offense to, but I literally cannot help it, and I have tried. Knowing how I feel while high does not make it any better, because I always feel completely distant from the world, having theeee shortest term memory possible, and forget almost everything once it wears off. Like, if that is how they feel while hanging out with me, it just doesn't feel authentic. But maybe I am just affected differently and they are able to be much more aware than I am... and I guess, for me, it is just a matter of awareness; I want mutual awareness in my connections with others to build genuine relationships. Maybe part of the issue lies solely in the fact that our minds work differently. Maybe they just don't require the same type of interaction to feel a connection. I do have ADHD and they don't if anyone has ideas on how that might correlate lol.

Also, since they are always high and know that (typically) I won't join them, I am always expected to drive. I do blame myself for setting that standard, as they would have no problem getting behind the wheel high. I just think that is sooo stupid and reckless, and I love my friends and would not want someone I care about driving high/drunk no matter how cognizant they swear they are. So basically, I am roped into being the designated driver because I'm lame, but I'm lame because I care.

Another issue, which arises from the other problems, is this weird hidden animosity for them that I can't shake. I LOVE my friends, I love hanging out with them, I do NOT want to drop them because of this, I WANT to be okay with them being high and drinking whenever they want because I know that it is normal. But for some reason, I just keep letting my frustration hold onto me and it has caused this issue where I can't help but get (secretly) annoyed when they tell me that they are high or when I can just tell, or when they talk about going to an event with alcohol so that they can get drunk. That secret annoyance will often seep through to my words or demeanor, and I can hear myself saying these backhanded things, feel like a bitch, and tell myself to stop, but for whatever reason it just continues to be a recurring issue for me. I know the obvious answer is to just talk to them, have a conversation about my feelings. But through the snippets of feedback I've gotten from my disinterest in these activities, they think I am just being a killjoy, which I AM, I just don't know why or how to fix it 💔

Finally, what made me write this post today was a text from one of my friends (best friend #1). We just graduated, and one of our other friends is having a party today. He said (in person) that I should come, but I was unsure if it was just because he let it slip that he was throwing it as he was talking to best friend #1. I only drew that inference because the details were posted on his close friends story on instagram, and I realized that I am not on it as it was not pulling up for me lol. Anywaysss that is unimportant. I texted best friend #1 asking if she was going, she said yes and asked if I was, and I told her how I was unsure if I was even invited or not, thinking maybe she could ask him if I could come (bc I do think he genuinely meant to invite me, just forgot to put me on the story). She replied by saying "well you wouldn't like it anyways because theres gonna be drinking." Like oooooooohhhhhhh okay I'll just stay home then hahhahaaha. I cant even be mad because I dug myself into this hole, but I don't wanna be in ittttt. No, I dont want to drink. No, I don't really find it enjoyable to be around drunk people. No, I dont really want to go just to be the designated driver. Like truly she is right, but I don't want my reputation to be this prude that you can't invite places because she doesn't wanna get drunk or high, but how else is my picture supposed to be painted if those are the details I'm giving people.

I think my actual, deepest desire would just be for drinking and smoking to not be normalized, and for my relationship with my friends to feel how it did before they started, but that is obviously impossible and only something that appeals to me and not the majority of the population. So I need to find another solution, if anyone has advice. I'm not sure if maybe it will just come with time orrrrr what. I know I need a mindset change, I just don't know how to get it. Pleaseee help I hate being the lame friend and I hate that I feel like I'm costing myself my friendships because of this indifference.