u/Rough-Examination-89

To me so far, it seems like Ryoka has experienced something akin to cPTSD her whole life, based on her general hostility towards other people and towards unspoken rules. Her ability to immediately jump in to a random world and figure things out is absolutely a trauma response that I think gets missed. When people have a lot of trauma, they develop defense mechanisms that keep them calmer and more collected in crisis situations. So it initially seems like she’s ahead of Erin, but really it’s her own unique coping mechanism to yet another psychologically traumatic event. I’ve heard she was written way worse but I’ve only read the the rewrites, and honestly I like her and relate to her as a person who has also had actually quite similar experiences in my own upbringing. My parents were also really not nice to me and forced me on a medication, blamed and gaslit me as a problematic child and it made me angry and hostile to everyone. I don’t talk to them anymore and I am a much happier, much different person now.

It takes a lot of time and a lot of unhealthy rebounds to be a better person after the people who raised you taught you that relationships with other people are worthless wastes of time. Why would you WANT to be around other people when you‘ve been treated as a problem by them your whole life? It’s a vicious repeating cycle. The antisocial “lone wolf” who gets overstimulated by people who talk too much. Having odd habits that people always comment on (like running barefoot). I know firsthand how annoying it is when you‘re always getting reminders that you’re “different“ or that “you weren’t made the right way”. I’m a former Ryoka, and so a lot of the things she does/thinks in Book 1 are more relatable than the stuff Erin does.

But that’s where the comparison comes in, and I think Pirateaba does such a good job with it. Erin is the OPPOSITE. Erin hasn’t had continual trauma racking up her life. She LOVES her sweet mom. She has been supported and uplifted throughout her life. She’s kind of like my bf honestly, good family, no trauma, savant girl who loves chess because it’s literally like a comfort food or an autistic stim for her. And so when she’s sent to the world she really can’t cope. Killing something for the first time, seeing all the monsters, just not knowing what to do. At first I didn’t like her because I felt like she couldn’t get a hold of herself, but I’ve warmed up to her a bit, half way through the first book as she starts doing things for herself and tries to take control of her life. But she just keeps experiencing events that traumatize her over and over, and I feel like trauma is just kind of new to her. Her naturally caring attitude towards the things that might harm her is both sweet and naive, as it caused harm to someone important to her. I think Pirateaba does such a good job comparing a person with little to no trauma to a person with a lot of it, and how they each choose to walk through the new world. Erin being open to all friends and not knowing what to do, and Ryoka hating to be dependent on anyone or indebted to them and choosing to just do something to keep herself busy and successful. A lot of people seem to think Ryoka is arrogant, but I think they’re both kind of arrogant in their own way. Erin’s coping mechanism is basically to pretend that she’s dumber/lesser than she is, which seems to serve her well (but I have found it arrogant/annoying to dismiss people anytime they compliment her, reminds me a little of covert narcissism rather than just insecurity). Ryoka‘s is to avoid people at all costs and only trust her own instincts, (because she has to believe hers are the best in her mind, the idea of her being ”wrong” means “I was born wrong” and she hasn’t yet learned to separate pride from trauma) which has obviously served her poorly lol.

C, I hope you’re doing okay. Our fallout was kind of inevitable, but I still enjoyed our conversations, and I think that we had interesting things to share with each other. I forgive you for distancing yourself. I wasn’t in any place to be a good judge of my relationships with other people. You, out of all the people Ive met, had the best taste in music. Music defines our souls, so I still feel you when I listen to music sometimes. I try not to listen to anything we shared with each other.

I had mostly forgotten about you, but recently have had reoccurring and unintentional thoughts of you. I cant find you on social media and so I just hope you’re doing okay. I hope you have a long, fulfilling life. I wish I knew whether or not you were alive and happy, but that’s just what happens when people lose contact, and it’s probably for the best.

I was hurt that I was seen as robotic to you. I hope you‘re still an artist. I wish for both of us to still gain happiness from our own art, despite all new technology. As of now, along my own timeline, you’re still deemed my favorite artist friend. I hope everything is okay. I’m sure you’ve grown up a lot, me too.

I have what feels like a useless degree in biology, and two almost useless years of laboratory experience, and my BLS/CPR certification. But I don’t have enough money to do anything like a PCT school program right now. It would blow through my savings and put me out of my current crappy job. I’m studying to get certified as a pharmacy technician, but I think most of these hospitals want experience so I’d have to do retail first. Might do a quick phlebotomy program but it will go through half my savings and again, I’ll probably lose my current job if I limit my availability. I moved here a year ago and I’ve wished I could work at Children’s National the whole time. Does anyone have any suggestions or cheap/work programs that could help me get closer to my goal of a hospital job?