u/Royal-Exchange8465

was thinking all day then I drank something surgery now and now I spiralled and texted after years I can't do this

my LO and me were never really together but though we called ourselves friends, both of us could tell we were into one another. I was however still in a relationship at the time, a very abusive one and seeing my LO treat me the way he did, I was edging towards leaving my relationship to be with him. He told me that he was going to tell me something after a fight I had with my then bf but before he could, the bf made up and he never told me about it. I guess he got tired of waiting. And one day decided to leave with no explanation nothing. He just left. And then began the spiral of me chaotically calling him every other month asking if we could be friends again. This was 5 years ago. I had sent what could be my "final message" a year ago. Promising I'm never to call back, no matter how much I wanted to as I can see he no longer wants me around. At first, it was fine. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. For a few months, I felt like I had finally closed the chapter. He never reached out after that final message, I had blocked him before I could get a response. That final message did have a vague confession as well. Then, the dreams started coming of us reconciling, seeing him in every person I talk to...and how superficial conversations are with others. I longed to talk again to him. I watch movies, reminds me of him, music reminds me of him, I write and I write about him and when I read, it's him that plays in my head. No matter what I do, it reminds me of him. It's hell. Mind you, it's been 5 years. I drew myself to tarot cards though I am no believer and tried to convince myself even fate didn't want me to text him again. I've been clawing at his profile ever since. I wonder if I would've been like this if I had just allowed the natural course of things to be. If I had heard his rejection..of what he thought of it before I had blocked him. Maybe if I hear it, this insanity of questioning the what ifs would leave me..I don't know anymore.