u/Rtstevie

So at my job, I work on a contracted project team with another guy. We are a team of two that handles a certain set of tasks, reporting up to a greater team and then program. Factually speaking, we are equals in position or rank, if you want to put it that way. We are supposed to be a collaborative team.

He is a bit older than I and very experienced. But I think I have valuable experience and knowledge where he lacks it, and vice versa.

Our team of two works very independent of our managers, which can be great. However, this colleague just…doesn’t have the experience with independent work to be proactive. He will take this independence we have and abuse it, in my opinion.
That means I am left to do work without him, which is fine. But it means I’m doing the work and management sees it as “us” doing the work, when in reality, it’s me.

As well, he can be an extreme swellhead. He talks much more than he listens; he can be extremely didactic; he wants to be as the experienced expert. Coupled with his lack of work, it can create this dynamic where it feels like he comes in when a project has already been worked on (by me), and now he is offering his (uninformed) thoughts. It can feel like he is “grading” me. In short, it creates a dynamic where it makes me feel like he sees himself as a the senior one of us, if you will, and I run stuff through him. When it’s supposed to be collaborative and equal between us.

I think it’s because he has recently retired from the military where he was a medium level staff officer. I say this as a veteran myself. So he was used to having his own staff who did work for him. We are now individual contributors, and he’s not used to doing this work on his own.

I feel like going to management would make me seem weak and needy, or a snitch. I already discussed this with them probably 7 months ago, they saw where I was coming from, but nothing got done. So really nothing has changed.

Just looking for advice on how to handle this dynamic.

I’m such a devoted fan of Van for years now and yet I still come across or rediscover tracks or albums of his that just hit me in a totally emotional way.

This week, it has been Celtic Swing off of Inarticulate Speech of the Heart. Like…what the hell man! This song is so good!

There was some thread on reddit recently and it came up how these artists like Paul Mccartney, David Byrne and Bruce Springsteen still going strong at their age, touring, making music. And who I immediately thought of and who was not mentioned in this thread was Van. And not to make it a competition, but they do not have the output that Van does. Like it’s literally insane how Van still pumps out new albums, and they are all good!

Then I just watched a recent interview with Van on YouTube from last year after Remembering the Now came out. Interviewer asked Van about his writing process. And Van said there isn’t a really logical process at first when he’s writing and making new songs. It’s very instinctual, based on feeling, and having fun/playing around.

Just got me thinking for some of these artists like Van and the others…being an artist is just WHO THEY ARE. Like of course they could all retire and chill and frankly be wealthy. But why does Van still make new album almost every damn year? And your to support them? Because that’s literally who he is. He is an artist, it’s his identity.

Note: this is NOT a cry for help in terms of suicide. I’m not suicidal at all. I’m fine. Just want to get that out of the way.

I’ve appreciated this community over the years and the honest advice I’ve gotten. I’m 38 now. Was an 11B (infantryman), did a tour in Kunar Province.

I come from an East coast, upper middle class background and I was literally the only person not just in my friend group but community that did what I did. Meaning enlisting and enlisting into a combat arms.

When I look at my life now, things aren’t bad. Truly. I’ve got a job making six figures. I’ve got hobbies. I’ve got friends. Love my family and they love me (more on that below).

After I got out, I was a shell of a human for a few years. In that I was basically just existing. Once I finally got help, things turned. Went to a really good college and graduated.

Met a woman and we just broke up after four years together. And it feels so silly to come to this sub and basically bemoan being brokenhearted. But it feels a bit deeper than that, at least to me it does (or that’s what I’m telling myself). When I look at my friend group, I’m literally the only one who is not married and with kids. And being married and having children is certainly not the end all be all of life. Plenty have both and are miserable.

But I keep looking at myself, looking at my friends and asking: why am I different? Why have they found their people and I have not? Not just found their people but…settled down. Made a life. I still feel so transient in mine. The only thing I can see different in me vs them is my service. I’ve just been behind them a few years, socially speaking. Like while they were in college meeting their spouses, I was on an crappy little outpost. I was going to school on the GI Bill while they were starting their careers. I went away and came back a stranger in my own town and really had to make a life in my hometown again.

And it’s just hard kind of being that odd man out. I feel so different. A bit ashamed? Like something is wrong with me.

We have a small family and my parents are in their 70s. They love me deeply and no matter what, and I love them. Not everyone gets a family like that and I’m truly blessed. But I know them seeing me not settled down, that “transience” as I said before, worries them. My mother has said so. She was telling me how she had a conversation with a friend and that as they, she gets older, all they want is to make sure is that their kids will be ok. I feel like a failure of a son, even though I know they don’t think that. That’s entirely my own projection. I don’t want them to worry.

So we have a small family. And my parents won’t be around forever. I have friends, but they have their own families and commitments. And so I’m worried about my parents being gone, and then what? I feel I will be truly, truly alone. And that’s scary.