The anger is wearing me down.
M27 with F25 BP2 partner. Been together over 5 years, known each other our entire lives. We’ve always been extremely connected, we live together (no kids but pets), family/friends intertwined. Since the beginning of this year her BP2 has really started show up. It was never once an issue before and I honestly never really saw symptoms beyond the occasional depressive or anxiety episode.
Since early this year it has been a fast paced downward spiral to put it lightly. It was extremely anxiety heavy at first with panic attacks, constant shaking, couldn’t stay still, rapid thought cycles. Then the heavy depression. Every day was a harder struggle, lots of suicidal thoughts but that wasn’t totally unusual. No plan in place, I trusted she wouldn’t do anything. She was communicating with her therapist often which was helping.
Various med changes later, I don’t know which ones exactly right now, but the anxiety has mostly subsided it’s just now she’s incredibly angry and irritable 24/7, at everything. It can be a show playing, one of the pets making noise, a water bottle shifting, it doesn’t matter. It’ll send her off the edge. Previously I was her safe space and none of the anger would be directed towards me but recently it’s like I’ve got a huge target painted on me. No matter what the problem is, I’m the issue. If I offer advice it’s taken the wrong way, if I say nothing and try to be supportive it’s taken the wrong way. Nothing I say helps. My presence is enough to annoy her. She’s just mad and unable to focus on anything so she’s bored, which just reinforces that she hates the world, hates me, hates where we live, hates everything. I genuinely cannot say or do anything to help but if I leave the room that’s a bigger problem.
I’m so frustrated and my emotions feel stunted. Like I’m either bawling my eyes out or I feel numb. The numbness is taking over and I feel that most often now. It doesn’t help I have zero support basically. I have no friends of my own, no therapist, no one to talk to. I feel frustrated, stuck, and a heavy responsibility. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose my person but I’m also not recognizing the person in front of me. I want to help them get back to their old self and I used to think that was a strong possibility but now I don’t know, I just don’t know. Any advice is helpful but I really just needed to type this all out.