One bad apple can ruin the bunch.
This has not been a welcoming place, hostility is one thing but being cruel for the sake of being cruel is unforgivable.
I hope the next person who asks for help is not treated the way I was.
Feeling lost at the moment, and posting here makes sense. After three decades of uncertanity and confusion have completly dissapeared. I was recommended by my psychiatrist to get tested for AUTISM . It was matter of fact, and kind but disorienting and distressing. Of course, I asked why she said that, her response " after 20 years of this, you kind of just know." Still unsure of the word "this" i internalized and something clicked.
All my life has felt incomplete. SAT verbal not that is matters was 720 and math was 480. I was seen as distruptive for asking questions and looking for answers. When my dogs bark I feel a tension throughout my whole body and physically I want to shake that out, like get it off please, but I was punished for this early in my life so I managed it. I have been letting my self be a little weird, I let my self wiggle when im overwhelmed. I even had a meltdown for the first time since childhood. My husband held me, and made me feel safe. All the small eye rolls, or him not getting my point faded away. I saw my husband in a way that I have never even imagined. I was safe, and I think I know love.
All good right? No. Am i fucking insane, I feel scared of my own brain. I am scared of how it thinks, the patterns it finds everywhere, the ability to recall an argument or literally an trivial detail and then explain the inconsistancies. He feels like I am trying to trick him, but I am not. I dont think so atleast, all I know is when he says something or anyone does my brain searches for the "file" and recalls it. Does anyone get this, am I thinking I am smart and this is just normal but I am socially inept and havent got my cues mixed up
I feel such shame and guilt for the meltdown, afterwards I feel like all the friction dissapated and I was recalibrated. He was not. How do I manage to honor myself while honoring his experience as well.
Is it possible to be insane, and be aware at the same moment?