u/Sad-Shelter-3966

I’m 21 f and I’m a senior in college. I have this semester and three more though plus a summer. I’ve been doing school for years and I’m tired but I still want to go into grad just in my terms. I like what I’m doing, I’m just so so tired and I want to slow down. I feel like I’ve been running basically since 2019. I hated high school and middle school. I haven’t developed good habits like consistent practice or studying. I’m not lazy, I know that. I do struggle though and I want to know to to do better. My current gpa is 3.06 slightly above average. I know I can do better, I just need advice. I want to go to liberty in 2030 for my masters and university of Florida for my doctorate. I graduate with two bachelor’s in 2028.

So for context I’m 21 f in my fourth year in college. I’m from a well off family so my bill is paid and I I just work about 6.5 hours a week at my school. I’m a double major in music and education. I’ve played piano off and on for 14 years and rn I’m about a piano level 5. I’ve been singing all my life and I still take voice lessons. I played violin but I haven’t in months and I was about a level 3. I feel like I’ve wasted my parents money because I have a 3.06 gpa and this semester plus 4 more before I graduate. I’ve been diagnosed with adhd but I just think I’m actually lazy. Rn I’m taking 20 hours and I’m behind reading and a few smaller assignments. I dream of mastering my instruments and going to grad school but I’ve never got in my full practice time. Ever. I’m a failure. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety but that’s ok an excuse. I think I’m just not meant for great things because I just don’t have the consistency or discipline to do it. I’m exhausted all the time and even though I care and I am improving I still struggle to do the things I need to do. I don’t wish or want to die I just wish I could be normal I guess? Not have this invisible pressure on my chest all the time. I hate it I hate myself I don’t want to even exist. I love writing and music and teaching and all the things but I don’t practice or work at it. I avoid and I don’t know how to stop. I’ve never been taught how to work consistently. Growing up my parents weren’t really present because my mom was taking care of other people and my dad was working. I learned to make excuses, nap, and avoid and lie. I don’t know how to be anything else. I have amounted to nothing…

Sorry for the long post