u/SadMother5526

I’m struggling with whether I’m doing the right thing and would really appreciate some outside perspective.
I’ve been married for years and we have children together. Our marriage has been deteriorating for a long time, but I kept trying to make it work. I’ve forgiven things, tried to communicate better, tried to support him, and often found myself wondering whether I was somehow the problem.
My husband says what he is going through right now is a mental health breakdown caused by stress, and that it isn’t really about me. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. One minute he tells me he needs me and wants our marriage, and the next he acknowledges that he has not been happy for years. He has also told me that he wishes I would find someone else and that he hates his life with me.
That contradiction is one of the things I am having such a hard time understanding. I don’t know whether I’m looking at a temporary mental health crisis that he can recover from, or whether this crisis is exposing problems in our marriage that have existed for years.
My husband struggles significantly with anger, stress, and alcohol. When he is upset, he can become verbally cruel, intimidating, and extremely difficult to reason with. He has called me names, degraded me, blamed me for his behavior, pressured me to talk when I didn’t want to, and made me feel like I am responsible for regulating his emotions.
There have also been more serious incidents.
Recently, after drinking, he drove with our teenage son in the vehicle. I became so concerned about his ability to drive that I fought with him to let me drive. He had run a stop sign, was swerving, and was slurring his speech.
He was extremely angry that I was making him look bad in front of our son. He told me he wished I would find someone new and that he wished that every day. He told me he was only with me because of our son and that he hated his life with me. He also said he “debates blowing his own brains out every day” and blamed me for why he has to cope by drinking.
I eventually drove because he let me. But while I was driving, he grabbed the steering wheel and jerked the vehicle toward other cars. He then acted as though I was the dangerous driver. He criticized my driving, threw himself into the dashboard, and continued finding things to criticize me about.
He told me I had made him look like a bad father and that I had tried to destroy the image our son had of him.
During the argument, he raised his hand and threatened to hit me if I didn’t shut up.
When we got home, the argument continued. He called me “disgusting” and “trashy,” criticized our home, told me I should stop expecting him to help because he works too much, and continued blaming me for what had happened.
Despite all of this, he does not see himself as abusive or unsafe. His position is essentially that because he hasn’t physically hit me, he hasn’t done anything that warrants him having to leave our home.
When I finally told him that I couldn’t continue living this way and that I was filing for divorce, his response was that he isn’t leaving the house.
He has told me:
“I’m not being abusive or causing an unsafe space for anybody and I’m not leaving my home.”
And:
“I didn’t do anything wrong and I have not put my hands on you and will not put my hands on you or anybody in our home.”
And:
“You can go anytime the door is open. I refuse to leave my home.”
At the same time, he tells me that he needs me, that I’m supposed to be his partner, that he has no one to lean on, and that separating from him is making his life harder when he is already struggling.
He has said:
“I’m not asking for a therapist or counselor I’m asking for a partner to help me through life.”
Part of me feels incredibly guilty because I know he is struggling. I don’t want to abandon someone who is having a mental health crisis.
But I also keep coming back to this question:
At what point does someone else’s mental health crisis stop being something you can support and become something you have to protect yourself and your children from?
I don’t want to destroy my children’s family. I don’t want my husband to suffer. I don’t want my children to lose their relationship with their father. And I genuinely do care about him.
But I’m exhausted.
I don’t feel emotionally or physically safe in the relationship anymore. I feel like I’ve spent years trying to prevent his anger, support him, calm him down, and keep our family together.
Now that I’ve finally said “I can’t do this anymore,” he seems to believe that I’m abandoning him rather than responding to years of behavior.
I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve been conditioned to believe that I have to stay because he’s struggling.
I have an attorney and I’m moving forward with divorce, but I’m terrified and constantly second-guessing myself.
Am I wrong for leaving when my husband says this is a mental health breakdown and not really about me?
Can someone genuinely love their spouse and still have been unhappy in the marriage for years?
And for people who have experienced something similar, How did you know whether you were leaving a temporary crisis or finally accepting a relationship that had become unhealthy?
TL;DR
My husband says he is experiencing a mental health breakdown from stress and that his behavior isn’t really about me. He says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but he also admits he hasn’t been happy for years and has told me he wishes I’d find someone else and that he hates his life with me.
He has significant anger and alcohol issues. Recently, while intoxicated, he drove dangerously with our teenage son in the car. I took over driving, and he grabbed the steering wheel and jerked the vehicle toward other cars. During the argument he threatened to hit me, made suicidal statements, blamed me for his drinking and unhappiness, and later called me “disgusting” and “trashy.”
He doesn’t believe his behavior constitutes abuse because he hasn’t physically hit me.
I’ve told him I’m filing for divorce. He says he isn’t leaving our home and that I’m abandoning him when he needs me.
I still love and care about him and feel guilty because I know he’s struggling, but I no longer feel emotionally or physically safe in the relationship.
I’m trying to understand whether I’m abandoning someone during a mental health crisis or finally protecting myself and my children from an unhealthy marriage.
Summary
Husband says this is a stress/mental-health breakdown.
He says he loves me and wants our marriage.
He also says he hasn’t been happy for years.
There has been significant anger, alcohol use, intimidation, and verbal degradation.
There was a recent dangerous driving incident involving our teenage son.
He has made suicidal statements and threatened to hit me.
I have decided to pursue divorce and have an attorney.
He refuses to leave the marital home.
I feel guilty, scared, heartbroken, and unsure whether I’m doing the right thing.
I’m looking for honest perspective from people who have lived through something similar.