Coincidentally discovered that I'm donor conceived - really need advice on how to approach the conversation with my parents!
Hi y'all, this may be a bit long, but I really need your experiences and perspectives – especially those of you who are “late discoverers” and/or have found out that you’re donor conceived by coincidence / own efforts. Thanks in advance for reading through it all!
Backstory: I recently discovered that I’m donor conceived on my paternal side. I’ve found out late, as I am a woman in my late thirties, and I unfortunately wasn’t told by my parents but stumbled upon evidence by “coincidence” through a DNA test site on which I matched with my donor and some half-siblings. I was and am still in shock – it feels like my world has been flipped upside down. I am now in a process of ordering my thoughts and feelings and preparing to confront my parents with my new-found knowledge. This last bit is what I really need guidance on.
Aside from my partner and my therapist, I haven’t told any other people about this yet. I have a younger sister who may also be donor conceived, and I of course also want to share this potentially life-altering discovery with her. However, she is currently (and temporarily) in a very vulnerable state emotionally and physically, and I have therefore postponed telling any family members about this until at least after the summer. I therefore have ample time to prepare myself for the family drama that I expect this might bring about.
Just for the record: I am very disheartened to find out this way – and feel both sad and angry that my parents for almost four decades have not shared this fundamental piece in my identity puzzle with me. I suspect that their reasons for keeping this secret are less than noble – and perhaps have to do with my father’s vulnerable sense of masculinity and my mother’s obsession with “keeping up appearances” and shaping people’s perceptions of her. I know that my parents – having received fertility treatment in the 1980s – have probably been advised by health personnel to not disclose my “origin story” and have, perhaps, thought that they did the right thing. However, I still believe that having been told about this late on my parents’ initiative would have been far preferable to having discovered this on my own. I must assume that my parents would have taken this knowledge to their grave if I hadn’t taken that DNA test.
A bit of context: My parents are both in their 70s. They are still married and have both retired. They live a quiet life with hobbies and taking care of grandchildren and tending to their house. They live quite close to me and my family, and while my relationship to them is unfortunately not as close as I’d like, we see each other quite often. They’re good grandparents to my children which seems to have strengthened our relationship in these past years. Though my parents are physically in good health, I’ve seen a decline in their emotional vigor and mental capabilities in recent years: My father is more withdrawn, although he seems to be happy. My mother, though, has become much more emotionally “sensitive” and has suffered from a light depression / anxiety disorder last year, seemingly triggered by a minor incidence – which luckily now seems to be over. I’ve tried to support her as much as I could throughout that process. Though my father is not the most sociable guy, my parents have a lot of friends and acquaintances through my mothers’ efforts. To those outside of the immediate family, my mother is quite preoccupied with appearances (imo), and, also in relation to me and my sibling, my parents have had issues with honesty prior to this.
Now to my dilemma: How do I tell my parents that I know about my donor – and how do I handle the aftermath of disclosure? One thing is a given for me: I will not keep this a secret. This trauma ends with me – my children have the right to know about their biological inheritance, and I will not share in this theater play and serve as anyone’s “dirty secret”. Though I feel betrayed, I don’t have a need to “punish” my parents for their actions. I just want an open dialogue, some basic answers to my questions – and, going forward, the right to own my own story and tell it myself to whoever I please. Moreover, I want my children to have the same right. Though the lie has certainly changed my view of my parents as well as of our relationship, my dad is still my dad: that will never change.
However, I expect that my parents will not take this well. I am actually afraid that they will suffer substantial mental hardship from this, especially as I suspect that none of their friends or our extended family know about their secret – and these people may potentially judge my parents’ actions in a way that will damage my parents’ relationships to them. In sum, I am worried that telling my parents will make my father withdraw or isolate himself even further (or worse), and that my mother will spiral into yet another depressive or anxious state. I of course love my parents and do not wish to see them suffer – no matter what they did to me. Moreover, they are very important people in my children’s lives, and I’d like to keep it that way.
Question: Therefore, I’d like to find a way – if at all possible – to discuss this with my parents and disclose this information to “the world” (the world being my own friends – some of which have parents that are friends with my parents) without “breaking” my parents emotionally. What are your experiences with disclosure? How have your parents reacted, and have they suffered any social consequences from others becoming aware that they’ve lied about such an important thing? How do I handle this?
Thanks in advance – I really appreciate all perspectives and experiences! 😊