Struggling to move on
Hi guys, my first time posting, sorry for the new account, my friends and ex know my main user. Also, I’m on mobile if it matters. Oh, and english isn’t my native language. Sorry, this will be long but you can skip to the problem and/or the question.
I’ve very recently started to pay attention to my attachment style and the problems it has brought. So, feel free to teach me and help me. I’m looking for a therapist but I feel like I can’t wait anymore.
For info: I am F25, he is M24. I had a great relationship with him that started 5 years ago and lasted for 2 years. He was my safe person, he was a perfect partner. But I broke it off, because I had this strong feeling that I’m holding him back and things wont work out in the long run. Also, I have ADHD so I’m very impulsive at times.
At first I avoided thinking about it, focused on myself and my friends. We have been in irregular contact for these 3 years that we’ve been broken up, asking each other for help with things, chatting about our lives etc.. I’ve done some quite shitty things that affected him, in some sick way I just wanted to see if my actions still matter to him.
To the problem:
My ex (M24) got into a new relationship, a serious one. They have been together for about a year and they live together. I didn’t really care, until I saw him and his new gf passing by. After that, I have been feeling like I’m insane, and I have a strong urge to do something dumb. That’s why I’m writing here, to not do anything stupid that would hurt me or others.
I’ve had this really strong urge to reach out to him, and I actually spoke with him for 2 hours on the phone one night, I cried the whole time and told him about these ”revelations” I’ve had about myself.
The problem is, it seems like he doesn’t even care anymore and it makes me crazy. At the same time, he told me on the phone that his gf knows about me and our history, and she knows that we’re in contact and is fine with it.
The worst part is: Since we broke up, he’s said that I always have a special place in his heart and mind, and he said it again on the phone.
I still have this urge to reach out to him. I would like to speak to him like we did before, get a chance to hug him. After I found out about his relationship, it suddenly feels like he’s out of reach and I hate it. I miss my safe person, but I know it’s morally wrong and I should stay away. I can’t block him entirely, and I’m not sure if avoiding him would be helpful to me in the long run. It feels like I’m going through the breakup now, 3 years after it happened.
The question for you:
What do I do? How do I stop myself from reaching out to him? Is blocking him good or bad for me?
I’ve tried writing the message without sending it, but it doesn’t help, I still feel the urge to send it to him. He’s the only person I ever opened up to, so he is very special to me and I feel like I’ve lost him completely and it sucks.
How do I move on?