u/Sad_Leopard6736

I have been with my boyfriend (34M) for 10 years now, and we live together.

For some backstory, my relationship with my mom (63F) is incredibly complicated. She has suffered from alcoholism and pill abuse for decades, and it’s catching up to her. Her health is horrible and deteriorating quickly. She physically looks awful but what’s worse are the memory problems. She can’t remember anything, she can’t learn anything, she basically can’t function as an adult. She has a shopping addiction, hoarding issue, and doesn’t clean. I’ve been put in a parentified role (and honestly have been for decades now) in taking care of her and helping her.

My mom lives 1 hour 40 minutes away from me. Yesterday, I got up very early and drove to her and spent the entire day cleaning and organizing her home for her. I got home very late. It was extremely mentally and physically exhausting, and I was (understandably) in a bad mood. My boyfriend knew this. I communicated this to him earlier in the day. He knows of my mom’s deteriorating health issues as well.

Well, the second I get in the door, he starts telling me to hurry up and unpack the car (I brought some stuff home that my mom gave me) because he’s hungry and needs the car to get food. He starts lecturing me about this case of soda that my mom gave me that I had put on the counter and was taking cans out to put in the fridge. Turns out some of the soda had exploded and wet the bottom of the case. I did not know this and just wanted to take a picture. Well, my boyfriend was freaking out and telling me to get them in the garage. That’s exactly what I was going to do after taking a picture and said that. He was still upset about it. Then he starts criticizing how the garage looks (this is where I put the stuff from my mom). That it’s crowded and he has trouble getting his bike out. He knows I’ve been working on cleaning the garage and getting stuff organized.

Well, I got really upset and asked him to just leave me alone. I just had a hard day and needed kindness and support from him, not a lecture.

The next morning we tried to talk. I told him that seeing my mom sick like this is devastating for me, and I asked him to please let some things go (like the sodas, I was in the process of cleaning them up already, and he could’ve just used a Clorox wipe to clean up, I clean up after him so much already and never say a word). I asked him to wait until a better moment to share some criticisms because his feelings are valid. Just don’t do it the second I walk in the door after a really hard day. I asked him that I just need kindness and love after a day like this. He starts getting really upset, says he didn’t do anything wrong. Says he’ll never share his feelings with me again. And then threw in my face that I didn’t pick up food for him on the way home (he never asked me to) and that he WAS kind to me because he shared some food with me that he got for himself (a few cold soggy fries and 1/4 of a melted frosty).

The fight escalated. I got extremely upset and emotional. And asked for alone time. Now I’m left wondering if I’m in the wrong and just need to listen to his lectures.

Thanks in advance!

TL;DR boyfriend lectured me about some things after getting home from a very long hard day. I asked him to wait until a better time to share his feelings and to let some of it go. He got upset and thinks he did nothing wrong.