u/Sadder_Ostrich_Shoe

[TW urges obviously, idk if it's necessary but maybe can be triggering to some]

Hi, I'm sadder_ostrich_shoe, and I'm clean. I fear I won't be for long though. I could summarize my past with self harm in a couple of lines: officially started at 15, stopped at 16, relapsed, swore never to relapse again, had withdrawals periodically since then (yet 1231 days clean :3).

A week ago, I think, I came back on this profile to read my post history: I like to look back at stuff I've created in the past, even stupid Reddit posts from a not so happy place of mind.

Then I've started to interact with a couple of posts here and there, just to talk to people in my same situation, or in a situation I've experienced a couple years ago.

And here I am, on the verge of relapsing.

For context, I'm a pretty trigger-free person: I've had a couple of panic attacks due to some stuff in the past, but that was it. I can't stand the idea of living creature getting hurt, but I wouldn't call it a trigger.

Sadly I'm facing the perfect storm: broke up with my gf a month ago, my dog scratched my hand for good and made me bleed, my father bought a lifetime supply of razors 💀 (when I saw the razors I got a little dizzy and had to lay down)

I think a lot of us have that voice inside our head that says "they're just cuts, how bad can it possibly be?", and realistically we should know that it is in fact very bad, but it's sooo tempting. I'm scared that I'll get hooked again, and I'll start cutting every single day, and maybe styros won't be deep enough this time, and I'll make my mother cry, and I'll cut even more.

I'm scared about possible sexual experiences in the future, because the old cuts are almost faded and new ones would stick out and freak a partner out.

I don't even know if I need to ask something, or just vent, I'm just scared

(edit: spelling)