I'm just really at a lost of what to do right now
I (NB/25) am in a relationship with 4 other people - But really the one I'm having issues with is my boyfriend (FTM/26) - we'll call him Red.
Red & I first got together in 2021 and when we started dating, he was using she/they and hadn't began the process of transitioning yet. We didn't go poly until the end of 2024 / beginning of 2025 and began dating another couple - Blue (NB/26) & Green (NB/26).
Red was diagnosed with BPD in 2024 and the symptoms of it really started to rear their head when the four of us started dating - couldn't handle me doing something for someone else without getting jealous, letting emotions pile up and not saying anything until he would explode on me, and just overall responding with intense emotion to almost everything that happened that he didn't like.
We had been having issues between the two of us prior to going poly - he's not super social, doesn't really like being affectionate, and never really showed interest in the things I like or what I care about, didn't ask me how I was doing, etc, all while expecting emotional support and understanding from me when he was flying off the handle - it seems like things were improving after we started dating Blue & Green, but things just steadily declined until in November of last year, I broke it off with Red and Blue & Green severely limited their contact with him.
It was terrible. He didn't see the breakup coming, chased me outside after I went to leave and begged me not to leave him while crying and slamming his fists on the ground. It broke my heart. I didn't want to break up with him, but I had asked him so many times at this point to get into DBT and get a handle on his emotions and he never did. I just had enough of it.
Fast forward to March of 2026, he had been in DBT for about 4 months and was showing a lot of improvement, especially towards me. He began dating a new person Yellow (NB/22) and over the course of March, we all gradually started seeing each other again.
He seemed really into the idea of being with me again during our breakup and all of March and then it just... stopped ? He stopped texting me as much, put almost no effort into reaching out, and has just sort of been apathetic towards me in general and if not that, he's just been an outright dickhead to me.
At Yellow's birthday party last week, I pulled Red aside to talk about why he hadn't been affectionate towards me in a while and why he's sort of just a cunt to me all the time.
He tried to dodge my questions multiple times before finally saying:
"I don't understand why you don't get that you breaking up with me made me hate you for a while. I was literally on the ground begging you to stay and you left me anyway. I know you asked me to get help multiple times and I never did it, but that doesn't change the way I feel. It's hard to want to kiss you or love you when you left me like you did. I don't know what will help either. I'm just angry at you."
Mind you, this is the same guy that - back in March - went on a date with Blue & I to a museum, spending over 10 hours with him that day, asked me to go and pick up his medication for him at the pharmacy because he didn't feel good. I went, and his prescription wasn't filled. I called him and let him know, and he wanted to stop back at his place to hangout longer and give him a kiss. I told him that we would see him tomorrow (karaoke - that's the weekly plan for all of us) and he absolutely crashed the fuck out on me for hours, saying I didn't care about him, blowing my phone up with angry texts, calling me endlessly over and over again to continue to argue about how terrible it was that I didn't stop back at his apartment to give him a kiss after spending the entire day together and going to try to get his medicine for him, which wasn't filled.
What the fuck am I doing wrong ?