Found husband on gay dating apps
I (35 yr gay male) recently caught my 33 year old husband on Grindr and sniffies recently.
A couple of years ago I was sick with Covid and while I was really sick in bed, I caught him on Grindr with an inappropriate profile picture. We did not every discuss opening up our marriage, in fact, we’ve always been adamant about not going on hookup apps even before we were married and deleted them together earlier on in our relationship. I caught him this first time and he owned up to it that it was a moment of weakness and he was feeling sexually deprived (which I understand b/c we were lacking in the infancy dept at the time). He claimed to have never met up with anyone, so we moved on and didn’t speak about it since.
Then we were in Brazil and I found out he was talking sexually with someone on X and the date stamp was the week or week after we got married. Again, he owned up to it and claimed to have never met up with anyone.
Then just recently, I felt him being really shifty around his phone. I did not go through his phone. Instead I had an inkling he was on Grindr again, so I created a fake account and say him there and this time said he was hosting and was willing to meet up with guys. Also saw his profile on sniffies. I confront him and he said that he would just talk to people and get off because of the thrill. I also found a wet douche, PreP, and HIV prevention medication, and claims he never used the medication and the douche was so he could use a toy while he got off to Grindr messages. Was very apologetic and owned up to it. I feel like trust has been broken time and time again and finding it hard to look at him the same way and express my love.
Look, we’ve been lacking in the instinct department for a couple of years and gay relationships are complicated. I understand to extent needing to seek a thrill because we weren’t giving that to each other. We settled on seeing a sex therapist and getting a couples therapist..which is fine but I just don’t know how I can emotionally get back there with him. I have a huge wall up.
We rarely have deep conversations anymore and ultimately agreed we both feel like roommates. I’m struggling to feel sexually and emotionally attracted to my husband and I’m sure he feels the same way. I’m starting to think we may not be as compatible as we thought we were. We are each other’s best friends and have invested so much in each other and our families. But I think we rushed into a marriage after 3 years of dating without having routine deep conversations.
Any help, tips, suggestions on what to do :( I’m really sad and have a lot of anxiety and struggling so bad right now :(