u/Sailor_Drea

As scrolling through this sub will show you, there are new news stories every day that begin with "Pastor jailed" and every single one of them is for the same thing.

Christians will tell you that when a Christian is put behind bars, it's for "I WUZ JUST PREECHING THE WORD OF JEZUSS REELY NICE AND THAN OBAMA AND HILLERY SENT THERE THUGS TO ATACK ME RELLY NEED UR PRAYERS AND DONATIONS KTHXBYE." Of course, in real life, when a Christian is put behind bars, it's for "Remember, little Billy, if you tell anyone I did this to you, God will send you to Hell."

What's even more laughable is the videos Christians make where they role play and act out what the "end times" are going to be like, and they pretend jackbooted thugs working for the Antichrist (by which they mean the Democrats) beat them up and drag them away for having a Bible in public, or how they have to hide down in the basement of an abandoned building to have Bible study, because all of society has turned against them. What makes it most laughable is that while they catastrophize about this happening to them, they're actively conspiring to do that to everyone else right fucking now.

I ask because it seems like the pro-life crowd is very, very enthusiastically in favor of both. Oh, we can't crack down on the secret child-trafficking ring that includes every billionaire and elite politician from our side of the aisle, or else there won't be any more delicious Big Macs. Oh, those kids didn't like being blown up? Well, they should have thought of that before they chose to be born in a country that had OUR oil underneath THEIR ground, the fuckers. Something something family values objective morality something or whatever.

(Inspired by A.E. Housman's "To an Athlete Dying Young" and by what I saw at Denny's)

That time you sat atop the pew
And wept before the tacked-up Jew
The hymnal saw your spirits soar
And out you gallumphed through the door

Not long, beyond the diner's glass
A staggering display of ass
You bore unto the waitress gaunt
And dreams of all your act shall haunt

O Karen, truly wise you be
To drop mask in such company
For early though the spirit shines
It ne'er endures for time and times

Eyes alight with conviction
Atop a sharp and wicked tongue
Designed to inflict grievous pain
And obviate the human brain

Now it seems you swell the glut
Of Christians whose hearts turned to rut
Saints who screech on Instagram
And let morality be damned

So scream, then, for the manager
And let your manners not defer
To civil graces oft imparted
To the meek and gentle-hearted

And on that MAGA-labeled head
Where thinking cells lie slashed and dead
A vulgar smugness soon be frocked
As bitch you do, upon TikTok

Because I certainly do. Whenever I hear a stranger say that, my knee-jerk response is "No you don't, you fucking liar." They've watered down the word love the way they accuse the left of watering down the word racism.

Not to mention that these people's idea of love entails beating their wives, beating their kids, not intervening in someone's self-destructive behavior until they hit rock bottom, shoving their political agenda down your throat (and the more you complain, the harder they shove), screaming threats of eternal torture, vandalism, not tipping their waitress, and waving giant posters of aborted fetuses in public places.

Your words might say "I'm beating you for your own good, not because I enjoy it," but the massive bulge in your trousers says something else, Bible Billy.

Christians are constantly demanding that Ten Commandments monuments be put in public schools, and claiming that if they were, all school shootings would magically stop instantly, everywhere and forever. That doesn't seem very consistent to me, since no one on Earth is less qualified or honest to say "Thou shalt not kill" than the American government. And especially since the same white Christian nationalist agenda that demands the Ten Commandments be put in public schools also demands the killing of enormous numbers of people.

"Thou shalt not kill, little Billy, because killing is always wrong. Except when it isn't, which, as it turns out conveniently for us, is actually extremely often. Killing is good when we, the government, say it's good, because we speak for God, and we act on God's explicit and direct orders, and we literally are God. So, little Billy, in the same classroom where we make you look at the 'Thou shalt not kill' sign, we're going to put you through an ultra-militarized propaganda machine from toddlerhood. Because one day, little Billy, we're going to call upon you to be a cop and conduct government-sponsored terrorism against minority neighborhoods and shoot people in the face for expressing their freedom of speech. One day, we're going to call upon you to be an ICE agent and throw small children in concentration camps, murder anyone who tries to stop you, and take selfies while murdering them. One day, we're going to call upon you to be in the army, and blow up innocent civilians and take their oil. Oh yeah, and these are all really, really good ways to show how pro-life you are. We, the church-state, declare it to be so, and if you don't like that, we'll show you just how seriously we take 'Thou shalt not kill.'"

This is the world Christians want to live in? Doesn't surprise me, since the world they want to live in is also a world where billionaires have the church-state's blessing to molest children, where the basic necessities of life have been priced out of the vast majority of the population's grasp, where there's no food that's safe to eat, where diseases we once all but wiped out are rampaging, where big corporations have the church-state's blessing to dump their toxic waste in your drinking water and on your kids' playground, where the government can kidnap you and ship you off to a third-world death camp for saying the wrong thing on Instagram, and where everyone is at war with everyone, everywhere, all the time. Hurr durr great again durrrrrrrrr

Christians are constantly demanding that Ten Commandments monuments be put in public schools, and claiming that if they were, all school shootings would magically stop instantly, everywhere and forever. That doesn't seem very consistent to me, since no one on Earth is less qualified or honest to say "Thou shalt not kill" than the American government. And especially since the same white Christian nationalist agenda that demands the Ten Commandments be put in public schools also demands the killing of enormous numbers of people.

"Thou shalt not kill, little Billy, because killing is always wrong. Except when it isn't, which, as it turns out conveniently for us, is actually extremely often. Killing is good when we, the government, say it's good, because we speak for God, and we act on God's explicit and direct orders, and we literally are God. So, little Billy, in the same classroom where we make you look at the 'Thou shalt not kill' sign, we're going to put you through an ultra-militarized propaganda machine from toddlerhood. Because one day, little Billy, we're going to call upon you to be a cop and conduct government-sponsored terrorism against minority neighborhoods and shoot people in the face for expressing their freedom of speech. One day, we're going to call upon you to be an ICE agent and throw small children in concentration camps, murder anyone who tries to stop you, and take selfies while murdering them. One day, we're going to call upon you to be in the army, and blow up innocent civilians and take their oil. Oh yeah, and these are all really, really good ways to show how pro-life you are. We, the church-state, declare it to be so, and if you don't like that, we'll show you just how seriously we take 'Thou shalt not kill.'"

This is the world you want to live in? Doesn't surprise me, since the world you want to live in is also a world where billionaires have the church-state's blessing to molest children, where the basic necessities of life have been priced out of the vast majority of the population's grasp, where there's no food that's safe to eat, where diseases we once all but wiped out are rampaging, where big corporations have the church-state's blessing to dump their toxic waste in your drinking water and on your kids' playground, where the government can kidnap you and ship you off to a third-world death camp for saying the wrong thing on Instagram, and where everyone is at war with everyone, everywhere, all the time. Hurr durr great again durrrrrrrrr

Christians: "We're going to build our own private palace that doubles as a sovereign nation and hoard tens of billions of dollars worth of treasures and artworks."

Christians: "Our megachurch pastors will have vast fortunes, towering mansions and their own fleets of private jets, but they're still going to demand that little old ladies give them their medication money to buy even more private jets."

Christians: "We're going to spread the dogma that Jesus wants you to be rich, in direct opposition to what he actually said, and the way for you to get money is to give us money."

Christians: "That thing about giving money to the poor? Yeah, Jesus only meant one guy ever had to do that. I don't wanna do that, so I ain't gotta. Besides, I can serve him better with my mountain of other people's money than I can without it."

Christians: "God loves America the most because this is where the rich people live. In fact, God has ripped up his old covenant with the Jews and made a new covenant with America."

Christians: "Capitalism is by far the most godly of all socio-political systems. Your value as a person is determined solely by your monetary net worth."

Christians: "Billionaires are God's chosen people. No, wait. Billionaires literally ARE gods. Trump is a wonderful, objectively morally correct, 100 percent flawless person because he is rich."

Christians: "The poor are poor because they're lazy. The rich are rich because they work hard. Giving to the poor is just rewarding laziness, which is why no one should ever do it. They deserve whatever happens to them."

Christians: "I'm going to intimidate the other people at my church into awe and submission when they see how expensive my church clothes and church jewelry are."

Christians: "That whole 'render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's' thing Jesus said? Yeah, we're not too big on that, either. We don't think we should have to pay taxes. And we don't think we should have to tell the government we're funding the violent terrorist actions of foreign and domestic militia groups."

Oh yes, Christians...I totally believe that you believe what you claim to believe. I mean, what reasons have you given me to question you?

Christians: "We're going to build our own private palace that doubles as a sovereign nation and hoard tens of billions of dollars worth of treasures and artworks."

Christians: "Our megachurch pastors will have vast fortunes, towering mansions and their own fleets of private jets, but they're still going to demand that little old ladies give them their medication money to buy even more private jets."

Christians: "We're going to spread the dogma that Jesus wants you to be rich, in direct opposition to what he actually said, and the way for you to get money is to give us money."

Christians: "That thing about giving money to the poor? Yeah, Jesus only meant one guy ever had to do that. I don't wanna do that, so I ain't gotta. Besides, I can serve him better with my mountain of other people's money than I can without it."

Christians: "God loves America the most because this is where the rich people live. In fact, God has ripped up his old covenant with the Jews and made a new covenant with America."

Christians: "Capitalism is by far the most godly of all socio-political systems. Your value as a person is determined solely by your monetary net worth."

Christians: "Billionaires are God's chosen people. No, wait. Billionaires literally ARE gods. Trump is a wonderful, objectively morally correct, 100 percent flawless person because he is rich."

Christians: "The poor are poor because they're lazy. The rich are rich because they work hard. Giving to the poor is just rewarding laziness, which is why no one should ever do it. They deserve whatever happens to them."

Christians: "I'm going to intimidate the other people at my church into awe and submission when they see how expensive my church clothes and church jewelry are."

Christians: "That whole 'render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's' thing Jesus said? Yeah, we're not too big on that, either. We don't think we should have to pay taxes. And we don't think we should have to tell the government we're funding the violent terrorist actions of foreign and domestic militia groups."

Oh yes, I totally believe that you believe what you claim to believe. I mean, what reasons have you given me to question you?

If you let a Christian rant and scream and bray and screech about atheists for any length of time, or just have a conversation with a Christian that lasts longer than it takes to say "Yer goin' tuh HAYULL!" then you'll probably notice that they make many mutually exclusive accusations against you. This is straight out of the apologetics playbook. It's the same thing they do when they say "Science thinks it knows everything" and "Science admits it doesn't know anything" in the same breath. Or when they say "Biden is a senile ninny face-down in a puddle of drool" and ten seconds later "Biden is a merciless tyrant with his jackboot on the throat of the church."

Similarly, Christians have multiple different anti-atheist stereotypes that they will cycle through on a sentence-by-sentence basis, in accordance with the momentary needs of the MAGA agenda.

One minute, atheists are the same pencil-necked Star Wars geeks whom Johnny Football and his fellow blonde-haired, blue-eyed, Anglo-Saxon, full-blooded German comrades from the Fellowship of Christian Athletes used to beat up and who couldn't get girlfriends back in high school. Because all atheists are guys, of course. (Oh, wait. I like girls too. Scratch that one.)

The next minute, atheists are ultra-militant commandos from a communist militia, complete with berets, camouflage fatigues and combat boots, ready at any minute to come storming through the doors of Last Baptist Church in Sister-Fuck, Arkansas, and take away everyone's Big Macs, guns and chewing tobacco.

The next minute, atheists are blue-haired liberal college professors who are teaching kindergartners that everything came from nothing and they came from monkeys and that's why life is meaningless. Because college professors absolutely do teach kindergarteners. That's totally how that works, Christian who was home-schooled in his sibling-parents' trailer. Oh, and apparently college professors perform sex-change surgery on five-year-olds in the middle of lecture, too.

And then, atheists are wild, out-of-control party animals who spend every waking minute in drug-fueled gay orgies, screwing and/or snorting everything that can't outrun them. Atheists seriously just have this cloud of drugs and gay sex emanating from them at all times like fucking Pigpen from Peanuts. (Oh wait, that one applies to me, too. Shit baskets!)

The Christian may feel free to use all of these stereotypes at will and all at once, because honesty, decency and consistency are for woke losers. Andrew Tate said so. And as we all know, he IS the guy in charge of deciding that...for some reason. Fuck everything, things are not things.

Christians are constantly insisting that science works like religion...or literally IS a religion...so what would it sound like if that was actually true?

"All these liberal wackos are running around saying we're up to 118 elements now. Let me tell you something, COLLEGE BOY...Mother Nature made only 92 elements! That's how it's always been, and that's how it always will be! The idea that we can just make new elements is blasphemy!"

"Radioactive decay is a Chinese hoax. Just because Uranium likes to dress up all funny and call itself Lead doesn't mean it can actually become Lead. Just like how all these woke larva are running around saying their pronouns are pupa/pupae."

"Origin of Species is true because Darwin says so. Darwin is true because Origin of Species says so."

"Your textbook had changes made to it since the last edition was published. That means it's unreliable, and the forces of evil have corrupted it to brainwash you. My textbook remains unchanged since the first edition was published in 1952! That means everything in it is true!"

"Pluto has been excommunicated for the vile, detestable sin of having insufficient planetary mass! SHUN! SHUUUUUN!"

"I've never seen electrons with my own two eyes, therefore they don't exist! Obviously, atoms are given their electrically neutral state by the never-watered-down taste of Bud Light, which, by an amazing coincidence, is the sponsor of our department."

"These medical tests might be telling me you have a disease, but if Trump says you don't have a disease, then you don't have a disease, end of story. Get out of my office, you disgusting faker."

It seems like I hear this horse shit constantly whenever I speak out against what the Death Church of MAGA is doing here in the Evil Empire of Trumpistan (formerly known as the United States of America). All I can say is that it sounds like gaslighting and pathetic apologetics.

While it may be true that there are non-genocidal, non-fascist, non-maniacal Christians in other countries, that doesn't do anything for us here, where they ARE genocidal, fascist maniacs. And to bring up this line sounds like they're trying to say either that it's OK that Christians here are genocidal, fascist maniacs because Christians elsewhere are not, or that because non-genocidal, non-fascist, non-maniacal Christians are non-genocidal, non-fascist and non-maniacal, that means the Christians who ARE genocidal, fascist and maniacal are not genocidal, fascist and maniacal. All in all, it comes across as telling a starving person from a third-world country not to worry that they are starving, because rich people in rich countries have plenty to eat. Yeah, good for them. That doesn't do shit for us, you morons.

Here are some nominees I think are worthy. Tell me if you agree that one of these is the worst Christian on YouTube, or if you know someone even worse than them whom I missed. Because I just sit around all day looking for things to hate, according to people who sit around all day looking for things to hate and who think they can read my fucking mind.

Bob and Mary Lou Kultgen from The Necessary Conversation podcast: tell their adult son and daughter right to their faces that they hope Trump has them imprisoned and executed.

A Messenger of Truth: openly calls for the implementation of Levitical law in present-day America and happily condones Old Testament proscriptions of death.

Dinx the Puppet: makes condescending responses to atheist videos in which he/it proclaims Biblical literalist and Christian supremacist views more arrogantly than anyone since VenomFangX.

Girl Defined: vlog series aimed at young women, promoting misogynistic and patriarchal views, a la "Get your ass back in the kitchen and make me a sammich, bitch!"

Kent Hovind: convicted felon, convicted domestic abuser, owner of a cut-rate amusement park whose negligence led to the death of a child and knowingly employed and protected at least one pedophile, producer of brain-dead creationist propaganda for 30 years, although at this point he's like a band that keeps playing its first album material live and hasn't put out new material since Toby Keith ran out of Bush Administration propaganda to title his songs after.

Greg Locke: Tennessee evangelical pastor who participated in January 6th, spread anti-vax propaganda during the Covid pandemic, continues to spread conspiracy theories, holds book burnings, advocates the murder of Democrats, tax cheat.

Steven Anderson: Arizona preacher who founded the New Independent Fundamental Baptists after being kicked out of the Independent Fundamental Baptists for being too extreme, openly calls for the assassination of government officials and the genocide of minority groups, promotes antisemitic conspiracy theories, banned from traveling to over 30 countries.

When pressed on why their god commanded mass killing of children and pregnant women multiple times in the Old Testament, Christians will always retort with the excuse that it's OK to murder babies if they would have grown up to be evil.

Oh, but wait... according to Christian doctrine, literally EVERY baby will grow up to be evil, and literally EVERY adult is evil. In fact, literally every baby already IS evil from the instant it is conceived--that's what the doctrine of original sin means. So, logically, if it's preferable to kill an evil baby before it becomes an evil adult, and all babies are evil, then we should kill all babies.

Not like Christians will cop to this flaw in their twisted and horrible reasoning. After all, the true purpose of the pro-life movement is to get more money and votes for the Republican Party, to ruin women's lives and to bring back slavery. But if Christians could be honest and consistent, they wouldn't be Christians.

I recently had a conversation with a Christian that went like this (the conversation here is paraphrased):

Me: "I don't believe the Christian god is good because he commanded people to commit genocide, slavery and child sacrifice."
Christian: "No he didn't."
Me: "Yeah he did. It's all over the Old Testament."
Christian: "No it isn't."
Me: "You wanna bet?"
Christian: "You're not a Christian, so everything you say is a lie."
Me: "I'm just going to show you what it says in your own Bible."
Christian: "Anything you say about the Bible is automatically wrong because you don't believe in the Bible."
Me: "Then I'll just show you where it says that and you can go look at it yourself."
Christian: "I don't have to."
Me: "Because you know you can't defend it?"
Christian: "Because everything in the Bible is automatically good."
Me: "Then go look at these and tell me these are good." *posts links to several Old Testament verses*
Christian: "That's fake."
Me: "You didn't even look at it, I'm guessing."
Christian: "It's fake. I don't have to."
Me: "If your faith is so good, why do you have to argue in bad faith to support it?"
Christian: "What are you, a [expletive]-ing [anti-mentally challenged slur]? All liberals are [anti-mentally challenged slur]s. They told us we're supposed to pretend the bad parts of the Bible don't exist back in Sunday school. Anyone who's not a [anti-mentally challenged slur] liberal understands how this works."

Do you support this kind of behavior? Is this what Christians are taught is a morally and intellectually correct way to defend their faith, as this person claimed it was?

At this point, Christianity in America is synonymous with Christian Nationalism, and as we all know, Christian Nationalism is synonymous with White Christian Nationalism. It's not surprising that things are going they way they're going now; what we see today is simply a continuation and an intensification of a historical trend that goes back decades, if not centuries. That trend is class warfare and wealth inequality. The rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer is something that's been understood since the Charlie Kirks and Rush Limbaughs of Bronze Age Palestine wrote the Bible (and actively codified it as a moral and godly phenomenon), but now that shit is in runaway train territory and approaching extinction-level asteroid impact.

That old quote from Lucius Seneca goes that religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. There's a reason why the Bible says that all earthly authority is given by God, and to defy earthly authority is to defy God. There's a reason why it commands slaves to obey their masters even their masters are cruel to them. There's a reason why Jesus said he came to pit people against their own families and friends. Because the entire point is to keep the followers brainwashed and beaten down enough that they won't unite, rise up, kill the wealthy businessmen and land owners and politicians who are actually ruining their lives, and take their shit. The point is to make you blame the guy across the street for the fact that your life is hopeless, not the guy laughing down at you from his ivory tower as he wipes his ass with your money. Especially because if the years of brainwashing and misinformation campaigns have worked as intended, and left you as dumb and broken and vengeful as they want you to be, as long as SOMEONE is made to suffer for your lot in life, you do not and never will care who that someone is. And the guy across the street is a lot easier for you to murder, since he doesn't have his own well-armed private security force like the ivory tower guy does...and he might even have a different skin color or place of origin than you, ooh scary.

And as those Tesla-driving vampires start to suck up more and more of everything around them, and there's no longer any funding for the basic necessities of life or the bare minimum functions of society, order will inevitably break down, and people will be pushed to worse and worse depths of despair and brokenness. So it's no surprise that there's literally a new Holocaust happening right now, and that ultrachurch pastors and White Christian Nationalist politicians are openly campaigning for another civil war and the reinstatement of slavery. And it's also no surprise that the broke-ass Middle-Americans they're grinding under their heels are obsequiously thanking them for it and baring their gnarled fangs and claws in whatever direction the elites point. This is why people are literally calling for mass violence over things that do not harm them, like pronouns, and things that do not exist, like teachers in furry costumes.

So, basically, all of this was planned, it's going to get worse, and we are screwed, because Christians don't care what happens to themselves as long as they get to hurt us.

There's a huge list of fiction media that Christians have screamed their MAGA-hat-adorned, mostly empty heads off about because they think these media actually possess evil supernatural powers in the real world. You've heard them, just as I have, I'm sure. Harry Potter contains step-by-step instructions for how to cast actual evil magic spells in the real world. Pokemon is unleashing actual demons into the real world in digital format. Dungeons and Dragons can show you where to physically locate artifacts of evil, magical power in the real world. Any kind of anime hypnotizes preschoolers into worshiping the gods of classical Japanese mythology (every one of which is apparently the Christian devil in a different schoolgirl uniform). On and freaking on with this psychotic Karen horse shit.

But recently it occurred to me that the reason why they think this way about non-Christian fiction is because that's what Christian fiction actually says to them. They simply assume that non-Christian fiction is the same, but working for Satan and/or George Soros and/or Hillary Clinton. Christian fiction is full of people with supernatural powers, supernatural entities walking down the fucking sidewalk, and all kinds of over-the-top, in-your-face mystical tomfoolery exploding to the sound of Toby Keith. It's all delivered with a straight face and intended to be taken as an accurate depiction of the real world. "Yes, Christian viewer/reader," it says to them, "this work is full of supernatural forces, beings and powers, and that's exactly how it works in the real world, too. Our enemies literally are using evil magic against us. And us good Christians who have the correct skin color and political party literally have good magic to use against them. At least, we all do. If you don't, then you're probably not really one of us, and you should be ashamed. Oh yes, and all those smelly atheists who keep making fun of you for your 'I ❤️ Ray Comfort' tramp stamp tattoo? They really are as stupidly and dishonestly oblivious as the characters in our show who see demons mooning them from the beds of slow-moving pickup trucks and say, 'Nope, I did not see that thing I absolutely 100 percent did see.' The real world is totally exactly like that. Trust us, bro."

One of the most obnoxious things Christian apologists do is when they accuse you of secretly believing in their religion, because according to the Bible, look at the trees, therefore Trump, I mean God, I mean Trump. And if you insist that you really don't believe, then you're just lying so you can have gay Communist drug orgies every day.

Never mind the fact that the Christian would have to have psychic powers to be able to tell you what you believe, he also shamelessly contradicts himself over and over in the same breath. Because as soon as he tells you that you're a fool for saying in your heart that there is no God, he'll tell you that your heart does say there is a God. And he's also apparently trying to convince you to begin believing something you already believe. And then, of course, you can have this little exchange with him...

You: "So, you have to have faith in Jesus to go to Heaven, right?"
Christian: "Yes."
You: "And you're telling me that I'm lying when I tell you I don't believe in Jesus, and the truth is I actually do have faith in Jesus, right?"
Christian: "Yes."
You: "So you think I'm going to Heaven?"
Christian: "No."

All of this laughably unserious shit, combined with the fact that virtually everything Christians accuse us of are things that we are not guilty of but Christians themselves are guilty of, plus all that whole "know them by their fruit" thing which they supposedly believe in, combines to make me pretty sure that they're the ones who are lying about what they believe. So, whenever they tell me they believe in something, I just call them liars and tell them they don't really believe in that, they're just pretending they do so they can score political points and get more of other people's money.

I often hear proclamations of this sort from people who claim to be Christians: "God only loves people of my race," "My country are the only TRUE Christians and people from other countries are false Christians," "My political party is the party of God, and all other parties are evil," "You're not allowed to become a Christian if you follow X lifestyle," etc.

Have these people gotten their priorities mixed up? Are they arrogantly and falsely holding themselves up as the one true definition of a Christian? Or do you believe God truly does conflate all of these identities into one?

I'm sure most of us have heard of Poe's Law, but in case you haven't, it's basically the law of the internet that it's impossible to tell a troll who's just pretending to be a religious extremist (known as a Poe) for cheap laughs or to mock religious extremists from an actual religious extremist unless they include a winking face emoji or an "LOL JK" at the end of their statement, because no matter how absurdly fanatical, stupid and over-the-top a troll pretends to be, there really are actual religious extremists who are that fanatical, stupid and over-the-top.

I can remember a few exchanges with people I suspected of being Poes that happened over chat or social media which I would like to share with you now, because amusement is a thing, or at least, it rightfully should be.

Me: "Can you prove God exists in the same way mathematicians can prove the square root of 2 is an irrational number?"
Christian fuckface: "LOL, numbers can't be irrational, you idiot. Only people can be irrational."
Me: "Yeah they can. Look up it."
Christian fuckface: *posts a link to the dictionary definition of an irrational person*
Me: *posts a link to the Wikipedia page on irrational numbers*
(Christian fuckface has left the chat)

Me: "Uh, no, genius. The sunrise is caused by the Earth's rotation."
Christian dong-drool: "Nope. The sunrise happens because I pray for it to happen."
Me: "You specifically? Not anybody else's prayers?"
Christian dong-drool: "Yeah."
Me: "So if you forgot to pray for the sun to rise one day, then the sun wouldn't rise?"
Christian dong-drool: "Yeah. That actually happened one time."
Me: "You forgot to pray for the sun to rise, and the sun didn't rise."
Christian dong-drool: "Yeah."
Me: "Interesting. I would think that would have made the news."
Christian dong-drool: "The liberal media probably covered it up."

Christian rectal vomit: "Honest, hard-working, patriotic American Christians have been destroying atheists on the internet for thousands of years!"

Christian yak licker: "There's a reason the left thinks Earth is a ball. Because all lefties are [anti-gay discriminatory term]s, and they think about balls all the time, and they worship balls, and they want balls all over their faces every minute of every day."
Me: "Even the lesbians?"
Christian yak licker: "Lesbians don't even know what a woman is, so they count as dudes."
Me: "Sounds like you're the one who doesn't know what a woman is, sweetheart."
Christian yak licker: "All globetards are [anti-gay discriminatory term]s, and all that [anti-gay discriminatory term] is the same."

If you have ever had an exchange like this, whether it was with someone you're not sure was a Poe, or someone you're quite certain was a Poe, feel free to share yours with the rest of the class, too.

That term is from pro wrestling. If you're not familiar with it, the phenomenon can also be described as the Christian about-face, the Christian mask drop, or similar things. What I'm talking about is the moment during the conversation with a Christian when they realize that they're not going to convert you in the spot, and they instantly drop their cutesy-ass Care Bear "I wuv you" routine and let their inner heartless, hateful shithead shine.

You know what I'm talking about, I'm sure. "Oh yeah?! W-well, then have fun in HELL, you filthy sin-bag! I've done all I'm required to do, so now it's your own fault when you're damned. And when God opens the trapdoor in the clouds and sends you hurtling into the yawning abyss, you'll remember me! Oh yes, OH YES, you'll cry out, 'Why, oh, why didn't I listen to Steve when he tried to convert me?! Steve specifically, and not any of the other robots exactly like Steve in every way imaginable?! Steve is better than meeeee!' But it'll be too late for you, ATHIGHEST! God and I will be laughing our butts off at you as you burn!"

As much as talking to Christians as a whole is slightly less fun than humping an angle grinder, I do kind of live for that moment in the conversation. It relieves me of any obligation I may have had to be civil to Steve or entertain his fascist batshittery.