Question from a kid! (Need Advice)
Hi,
i'm F16 and i've been in a constant struggle with my faith since 12... but that's besides the point for my situation.
So, November 2024 I met this girl, I was 14 she was 15 and we started talking and things picked up really quickly. Things were very lustful, very fast, and it just flipped my entire world upside down because I was so deeply in love with her. She was Christian, and again I was a very doubting Christian as well and much closer to a non-believer at the time. I asked her to be my girlfriend January 2025 and we had our issues as relationships do but she was so willing to fight through all of it, even when I'd fuck up pretty bad. I noticed her drifting further from God. She deleted her bible apps off her phone, stopped praying, all that junk. Eventually near the end of our relationship we agreed to stop doing anything lustful as well for unreligious related reasons, which I thought helped a lot.
A couple weeks before our eventual breakup she told me about how she had started going to church again and spending a lot of time with some people she had opened up to me about the shame and guilt they would put on her for being gay and how she was going to go to hell and so on. It alarmed me, but they were being much more kind about it then they had been in the past and I was more than happy to hear about her going to church so I sort of turned a blind eye to it. Then she would tell me about how a guy who she had romantic interest in that had liked her back was complimenting her all the time, but I TURNED A BLIND EYE TO IT BECAUSE ITS JUST A COUPLE COMPLIMENTS. And then we broke up... August 2025. She expressed to me how... hang on let me repeat this bar for bar, she never though she would be that person but she genuinely believes being gay is a sin. It wasn't out of nowhere I guess we had talked about her experiencing religious guilt for just about everyone around her and I had tried to reassure her before, but genuinely it caught me so off-guard I WAS DISTRAUGHT.
Now, full disclosure before I continue it's been nearly a year and I would like to think I've matured and would never do any of things I did in the break-up again. She ended up talking with the guy who had liked her again romantically but nothing was ever officialized. I was butthurt and so I did something just about the same.. except I dated the guy. We were still in contact and justifiably she got very upset that I was all of the sudden with someone new and we were both so hurt we just argued and argued for months before eventually going no contact. I had her block me on spotify so I had some outlet to express how I felt to her without her ever seeing it and so I just texted her on there for the months that passed. I realized the guy wasn't her and broke up with him because I was very very very much still in love with her.
Then, in March of this year I unblocked her on everything and we started chatting it up. It was like things just clicked right back together and I invited her to a museum and she invited me to her sports meet so I could take pictures with of her. We had only been talking as friends and it was fine by me because it was a million times better then not talking at all and she told me how she had talked to a couple people romantically since the break up. She opened up to me about how she was done dating and pursuing anyone because she knew she liked girls but there was just too much religious guilt and pressure.
The meet came and I kind of just followed her around like a lost puppy for 3 hours, talked to her friends because I knew nobody there, and bought an unreasonable amount of overpriced lemonade for the both of us. She did not seem super happy about me being there but I just assumed she was tired after all of her sports stuff (I WAS WRONG.) The meet came and went and her dad picked her up so I went to go talk to my friends I had made there before I found out where she was at, and they bring me to this guy and told me that he was romantically interested in me. NOW GET THIS, THE GUY WAS ONE OF THE GUYS THE GIRL I WAS THERE FOR WAS TALKING TOO... AND HE HAD TEXTED HER THAT MORNING! So as you can assume I was irritated and confused.
I texted her and let her know about what happening, trying to keep it light hearted. We called and she told me that "I might think this is funny" but she didn't and I kinda just let her yell at me about a bunch of stuff and she eventually ended it off by telling me she still had resentment built up and she could never just be friends with me because it would hurt her too much to watch me be with someone else. I tried to convince her that all I wanted was to be friends and I also wasn't planning on being with anyone (BECAUSE I WANNA BE WITH HER! but also very okay with just friends. ) I tried to convince her and she straight up told me her life is better without me in it... and said again that she wasn't going to be with anyone at least until she's out of high school and so finally I was like damn ok fine i'll leave you alone.
I texted her on spotify again and pretty much confessed how badly I'm in love with her. I THEN REALIZED THAT I WAS NO LONGER BLOCKED ON SPOTIFY AND SHE TEXTED ME AFTER SEEING THE MESSAGE AND SAID, "sorry im in the middle of a fortnite match" she finished her match I guess and then texted me that she'd block me again but I told her that i'm never texting her again... I panicked. I removed her as a follower and unfollowed her on instagram, blocked her number, tiktok, and instagram, and then went about my being in love with her without interacting with her at all.
Anyway fast foward to now, she's got a boyfriend. I'm still in love with her and she's got a whole ass boyfriend. I saw them at the fair recently holding hands and both me and her looked at each other like jaws dropped mouth open staring when we realized we were both there WHILE SHE WAS HOLDING HIS HAND. I also said hi to her dad when I saw him on his own.. he's homophobic I don't know what the fuck I was doing there. It's just so irritating to me because more then anything I want to be like " hey i'm in love with you and i'll do anything to make this work with you with god by our side" BUT NOOOO SHES GOT A WHOLE MAN.
I'm sorry that was so long. My question is now.. what do I do? It's been a year and I still think about her every moment of every day, i'm still losing sleep over her, i'm still missing her. I've tried things with multiple other people and I just end up comparing them to her and cutting things of or self sabotaging until they cut it off. I'm so scared that if it's not her it's nobody and the obvious choice is to respect her wishes and leave her be.. but the more I pray about it and try to move on the harder it is.
edit: her birthday is also in ten days... if only she got a mysterious happy birthday text 😉