u/Salt-Technology-9702

I need a therapist who understands CPTSD/childhood trauma, preferably a woman.

I just finished watching backrooms and I'm honestly still a little disassociated and freaked out. I went to go see it because someone else on this sub recommended it. It was too accurate in how my life is every day. A constant horror of running through memories trying to avoid pain. I'm not a huge fan of horror but I do like psychological thrillers. I thought that watching this might be good for me because I've been struggling a lot lately with running around in circles and keeping myself in my little world I built for myself. I don't have relationships with friends or family because I keep getting taken advantage of by abusive people. But the loneliness is so crushing. Not having anyone feels like hell. But this movie was too on the nose for me, I literally almost walked out of the theater I was so scared.

*Spoilers*

>!I guess my main problem was there wasn't really a happy ending. Like it didn't show that he figured a way out or changed his mind about not wanting to change. !<

>!The part that triggered me the most was the main "monster". I guess I saw it as what is refered to as the "manager" in IFS. The main maladaptive inner critic that keeps you in check, so you don't get punished by your parents. I've had many dreams where I am being chased by this monster and it's just as terrifying as in the movie. I had a therapist tell me to stop running from the monster and to ask it what it wants instead. I did this before and usually the dream would just fade to a different dream that wasn't so scary. I haven't had a dream like that in a long time but they are eerily similar to the movie. I'm really worried I'll have a dream like that again tonight. !<

>!The scene that triggered me the most was the monster biting Clark even though he was trying to comfort it by telling it that they didn't need to change. That was just too real for me. It reminded me of the times I would have a breakdown and then self-harm. Then after self-harming, berate myself for not being able to change. !<

>!I also deeply related to Clark finding comfort in the uncomfortable space. I always felt like my depression was like a warm blanket. I have used that excuse, "That's just how my brain is wired." before too. I think it scared me so much because it feels like there truly is no way out. I will suffer in the liminal spaces of my memories forever. I was the scapegoated child so I always tried so hard to be good and to fix myself, so I'd stop being abused. I feel so stuck, like it doesn't matter what I do or how hard I try I won't ever be healed. I know I have made some progress but I just feel so stuck. I think it doesn't help that my abusive mother was a therapist and has told me many times before that I need to make new neural pathways. I don't know how, when I just keep getting abused. Or every time I try, I just keep getting sucked back into it. !<

TL;DR:

This movie was way too accurate with my experience living with CPTSD and now I'm scared to go to bed because I'll probably have nightmares.