Unsure what’s going on with husband
Hi there, forgive me for posting such a long entry but I am looking for some insight. My husband is 9 years older than me and is 51 and I am not sure if he is mentally unwell, an asshole, or has symptoms of bvFTD. Over the past few years our relationship has deteriorated but I had put this down to having 2 young kids, one of whom was recently diagnosed with ADHd and autistic traits, so things can be very intense in our house.
He is originally from south America and has little interaction with his family. His behaviour can be bizarre but not all of the time. For example, once he went to the supermarket for regular food and came back with a frozen octopus and expected me to make it for him immediately and be happy about it.
My husband’s Mother died suddenly around age 60 and seems to have been mentally ill and unstable since early adulthood, deteriorating in her latter years but it’s all quite unclear and I haven’t ever heard a specific diagnosis for her. He had little contact with her before she died and her only brother was very stable emotionally but then got diagnosed with early onset dementia in his 50s (not sure what type but I believe there is an apathy with fluctuating cognition from what I hear). I asked him recently about his uncles dementia and he denied it and said he didn’t really have it - this is established fact and I have no idea why he would deny it.
My husband was mid 30s when I met him and always very hot headed and we would argue, he might smash a plate, bang his fist but generally well behaved in public and I felt he loved me and our kids. He has no friends but never really did.
In recent years he is progressively more difficult to live with and I think about separating a lot. He seems to go through phases of intense anger before switching into disconnection for several days (hiding in his home office for hours and leaving me with the kids) and doing unusual things like singing really loudly and badly. Then he might have a couple of “good days” and be happy and it’s like the old days. Then he turns into an asshole again with very off colour jokes and strange remarks about the things we see on TV.
Some of the changes I see in him in the last few years:
He is obsessed with Chat GPT which he now uses for everything including work and watches podcasts about AI all the time.
He naps at random times throughout the day and keeps moving his bed into different rooms. He said this was because our youngest comes into our room at night.
I discovered recently she has been seeing sex workers during the day while I am at work. He denied this and said “someone else’s messages got onto his phone” which was too pathetic to describe. I have not slept with him since discovering this. He doesn’t seem worried that I might divorce him. Not much concern for me or my feelings.
I also discovered he received money from his family abroad which he hid from me and has spent.
He also bought a sex doll which he says he wants to “rent out to other people” but is clearly for himself.
He spends money very impulsively often on things for the house, the kids and doesn’t care about the bills, he gets annoyed if I try to curb him or slow his spending.
He does clean and tidy the house which is good I guess and he is concerned with his appearance which doesn’t necessarily fit a dementia type picture.
He gained weight but now has put himself on a very strict diet and doesn’t eat meals with me or the kids. He doesn’t seem to be able to taste anything without an extreme amount of salt. I mean massive quantities .
He says my cooking has no taste or tastes bad and he once kicked me out of the kitchen while I was cooking and took over. An hour later it was the same dish but he had just added boiled eggs (!!).
He is going to the gym but lied about this for some reason, and said he was just going walking. No idea what that’s about but this obviously raised my suspicions about him.
He can be really mean to me and our oldest child, calling us “freaks” when he thinks I can’t hear but is very nice to our 4 year old who thinks he is God right now (she’s 4). Sometimes he blurts out horrific things in front of the kids like “shut the fuck up” over minor things, like me reminding him of something.
He gives the kids a lot of candy even though it affects their behaviour and has no concern for mealtimes or routines whatsoever.
He can be terribly forgetful and disorganized but he uses alarms and reminders for everything and this is currently working. No car accidents and he does drive a lot for work but I find his driving too fast and likes he’s taking risks just for fun. If I try to inform him about something important he says “text me” before I finish my sentence. He starts a conversation then interrupts me every time I speak then complains that I am not engaging in the conversation a lot.
About 3 years ago the police came to our door about a very weird situation which at the time I was totally shocked by and thought they had the wrong person (no crime was committed but there was very bad behaviour which impacted some people dreadfully). No police since then. He randomly takes things if he can get away with it like toiletries from a bathroom or jam from a hotel.
He does not admit that there is anything wrong, he puts the blame on me and has refused to engage in any counselling or medical assessment. I have taken legal advice and I’m strongly considering separation.
I guess i asking whether this looks like a dementia type presentation (given his family history) or should i just move on with the kids and leave him to deal with things alone. I am not financially dependent on him, he is very much reliant on me for the past 10 years mostly.