u/SalvagedStarlight

Hello! I’m new to Reddit and ENM, and I could really use some perspective. I cross posted to a Polyamory subreddit…not sure if I can do that but I’m trying to get as much insight as possible.

My fiancée (41F) and I (43F) recently opened our relationship. She has some previous ENM experience, while I’ve considered solo ENM while single, but never explored it.
I thought we were on the same page: exploring kink, having fun, and pursuing casual connections together or separately.
Things started well. We established boundaries, discussed expectations, and were excited about exploring. Then my partner connected with Sally (50sF), who has a long-term asexual partner and serious health issues. Sally is very direct about wanting to enjoy life while she can and has been actively pursuing my partner.
Initially, I was happy she found connection.(small edit for clarity) She had expressed interest in another potential connection alongside Sally and I didn’t feel threatened and she reassured me that I was her top priority. I wanted her to explore those connections freely without my interference.

Since I’m responsible for most of our household tasks and childcare while working full-time and attending school full-time, I don’t have the capacity to pursue connections with other people. I let her know I felt this imbalance pretty early on because the fact that she was dating and pursing Sally so aggressively made me feel that it was very one sided and that resulted in conflict for us.

ENM has highlighted an existing imbalance in our relationship and she has said that she would try to make it more equitable by being more present, so that I can have time to myself and with others, if I choose to do so. I’ve had a few friendly connections that just fizzled out and I didn’t feel one way or another because I was already lacking capacity for something in depth.

Fast forward to now…Within the last month, my partner and Sally have been seeing each other several times a week. At first, I felt cared for and had no major concerns. We were still connecting and having dates. I respected boundaries and left them alone on their dates and don’t call or text unless necessary.
But things changed after my partner returned from a five-day work trip 2 weeks ago. She visited the other person she was interested in and stayed overnight at their house (she was flying in and out of their city so they arranged to visit because it was the other person’s bday), they kissed but nothing more, and she then went to see Sally (she did come home first and then left to see Sally). The following day, Sally called and texted repeatedly while my partner and I were spending time together, and much of our conversation revolved around Sally. My partner then saw her twice more for dates (one being almost all day and the other happening after work and her not making it home until almost midnight) over the next four days.
I was really trying to not make an issue of it because I’m trying to give grace for the “new shiny thing” energy AKA NRE.
The breaking point came this week when I was trying to discuss something serious about my oldest daughter. I had to step away briefly to care for my other daughter, and my partner used that time to talk to Sally and carry on the conversation while we were in bed. She only got off the phone when I left the bedroom upset.
We ended up in a fight where I expressed I felt like I couldn’t escape the woman because she was a very present orbit in our daily lives.
She apologized and agreed to work on boundaries, but watching her become so deflated and disappointed about the situation made me realize how much our dynamic had changed.

Then a few days later my partner suggested I meet Sally to help with my feelings, I realized that meeting her wouldn’t address the real issue: I believe my partner is developing deep romantic feelings for her. When I asked directly, my partner couldn’t say whether she was falling in love, but acknowledged feeling strongly for Sally romantically and is now realizing she may be polyamorous rather than interested only in casual ENM.
Since then, Sally has been informed that I’m uncomfortable with the situation and has stepped back from her relationship with my partner and my partner has said that she is devastated emotionally. My partner is trying to find a way to preserve both relationships, but I’m struggling to see how that’s possible when the underlying issue is that we may want fundamentally different relationship structures. I also worry that if my partner gives up something she genuinely wants, she’ll eventually resent me, even if she never says so.

I’m struggling because this is not the relationship structure I thought I was agreeing to.
I can care about people, connect with them, and enjoy intimacy without wanting a romantic relationship or catching deep feelings.
I’m realizing that I’m probably not comfortable being in a relationship where my partner develops other deeply romantic attachments, particularly when those relationships become so significant so quickly.
The thought of being sexually intimate with my partner while knowing she also is strong attached emotionally with someone else makes me physically ill. They have not been sexually intimate as of yet and I don’t want to monitor her other relationships or constantly manage my feelings around their sexual and romantic developments.
I’ve told my partner that I need to step back from ENM for my own well-being. I didn’t ask her to end her relationship with Sally, but I’m also not sure I can continue our relationship in its current form.
One alternative I’ve considered is taking sex off the table between us while remaining romantic partners, allowing her to pursue Sally and giving me the freedom to meet my own sexual needs elsewhere without navigating the emotional entanglement of knowing my partner is having sex with someone they’re deeply attached to.
I’m not sure whether that would work for either of us, or whether I’m trying to find a compromise because I’m afraid of losing her.
I love my partner, but I feel like I can’t unknow what I’ve realized about her feelings for Sally, and I worry it will fundamentally change how I experience this relationship with her.
I also fear that we’re discovering a fundamental incompatibility: she may want polyamory, while I at most, want casual ENM.
Has anyone navigated a situation where one partner discovered they were polyamorous while the other realized they weren’t?
I do think it important to note we are both ND and both struggle with RSD.

Is there a way forward that doesn’t leave one person feeling deprived or resentful, or do we need to accept that love may not be enough to make us compatible?
Any advice or perspective would be appreciated. ❤️

EDIT for context: I want to be clear that she was transparent through this whole process. She did check in regularly on how I felt and while it felt unbalanced especially in the last few weeks, she was attempting to course correct to make it more equitable. I didn’t feel like she was purposely disrespectful or disregarding my feelings.

2nd edit: This has all occurred over the last 6-7 weeks, with the last 2 weeks being the most problematic.
We opened the relationship about 2 months ago.