u/Same_Abrocoma7976

hi. im in need of an outside perspective because i feel like i’m hitting my breaking point, and idk if i’m being unreasonable or if this is actually a problem.

my partner has two boys that stay with us (10m and 6m) and another son (9m) from a previous relationship who is also here part of the time. so there’s a lot going on with the kids in the house.
the issue is the lack of structure around sleep + the constant noise.

from what i understand, when their mom and dad were together, especially during summers, there wasn’t really a set bedtime. they’d just stay up until they fell asleep naturally. that pattern seems to still be what they’re used to.

during the day, i can deal with normal kid noise. that’s not the issue. but it doesn’t really stop. they’re upstairs playing basketball starting around 8–9am and that continues on and off all day.

the problem for me is that it doesn’t stop at night either. they’re still running around, playing, making noise, etc. at like 11pm, midnight, sometimes even 1–2am. last night they didn’t fall asleep until around 2am.

it’s not constant noise but it’s enough that there’s basically no quiet time in the house at all and it’s starting to mess with me mentally. i feel overstimulated and like i can never fully relax in my own space without wearing noise canceling headphones. which i sometimes can't do because we have a infant (she's 11 months old) who i need to be present emotionally for. so when she sleeps which is usually for about an hour & a half to 2 hours they're loud upstairs.

i haven't brought this issue up to my partner because i believe that intuitively he knows that i don't want his sons here at all, maybe to visit but not live here. when he's at work, they're here with me so im usually the one that deals with the noise. my partner is also dealing with a custody dispute right now and i think he’s hesitant to enforce stricter rules because he doesn’t want to upset the kids or have them prefer their mom’s house.

i’m trying to be understanding but i’m also starting to feel like this isn’t sustainable for me. im trying to even see if this is a something that i can even tolerate long term wise. as someone who's neurodivergent, i get overwhelmed very easily and it makes me incredibly irritable to where i shut down for hours or until i get regulate myself again.

has anyone dealt with this? is this just a “welcome to step parenting” thing where i need to adjust, or is this actually a boundary/parenting structure issue with my partner?

i’m a stepmom to 2 boys who stay frequently with my husband and me, ages 10 and 6.
my husband drives for a living, so sometimes he has 10-hour days. while he’s at work, his sons are here with me (yay), and also, double yay, his other son from another prior relationship is here as well summer so im here with 3 children. besides them being typical kids with bursts of energy running through the house, here’s the issue: they eat entirely too much and way too frequently.

i’m not sure what the dynamic was when their parents were together, but it seems like they request a snack every hour, which seems unreasonable to me. and it’s not just because it’s summer. even during the school year, after they got home from school, they’d ask for a snack (which is perfectly reasonable). however, literally an hour later, they’re asking for another snack.

here’s some insight: their mom works as a hairstylist, so she’s sometimes gets home late. when it’s her week with them, they’ll stay home with their older sisters. i’m not sure if it’s a free-for-all and they just eat whatever they want, but as long as i’m buying groceries, they won’t be eating every hour. now, if their mom would like to contribute groceries for them, they can have whatever they like because, at the end of the day, they’re not my children, and i’ve somewhat started implementing NACHO parenting for my own mental health.

here’s a situation that happened a couple of days ago. the 6-year-old wanted a snack, so he texted his dad to ask for one. i’m not sure why he texted his dad when his dad always tells him to ask me. maybe because he feels like i’ll say no? i’m not sure.
i really don’t know the best way to handle this situation. when my husband is at work, i stay in my room with our infant most of the time and interact with them until they start to overstimulate me then ill go back to our room. ill occasionally come out to make a our child a bottle, grab something to eat, or cook dinner for them.

i’m not certain if the best course of action is to allow his son to continue reaching out to his dad or what. i just feel like:

they eat too frequently, and i truly believe it’s out of boredom.

if their parents want them to continue eating that frequently, their mom needs to send groceries because she receives SNAP benefits, which are intended for the boys too.

for further context, another situation happened yesterday. their mom called to check on the boys yesterday, and the 6 yr old acted as though he was sad (hes very manipulative btw and i’d absolutely love if he stayed with his mom majority of the time) and essentially was saying that he was hungry and couldn’t get a snack, which:
wasn’t true because he didnt even ask me for me to say no that he couldnt get a snack.
this is mine and my husband’s house. it seems like when they stay over here they think they can have the same habits as they do when theyre at their moms house. that’s on us.

also more insight: i feel like my husband has a lot of guilt about the divorce and really doesn’t setboundaries where he should. ugh, idk.

advice? i’m open to all perspectives.

I don’t really know how to explain this without sounding harsh, but I genuinely need outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind in my own thoughts.

I’m a 31F and I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend “Liam” (late 30s). We have an infant daughter together. He also has 6 other children from previous relationships by 2 other women (so 7 kids total including ours).

When we first got together, his other kids primarily stayed with their mother, and I honestly thought that would continue.

But over time, the situation changed. His custody situation shifted, and now his two youngest sons are around a lot often in our home, they're here over 50% of the time. So when his youngest son isn't at summer school, he's here. Him and his other son who's 10. So they're with me majority of the time, I try to take them to the park, the pool because I feel bad them just being in the house all day.

Also, Liam works long hours (UPS driver), so when he’s home he’s usually sleeping or exhausted. He'll tell me things like we need a staycation or I wanna go do this activity one weekend but I feel that he just tells me give me things to give me false hope or keep me on the hook. But in actuality he doesn't plan on doing any of those things.

I feel guilty even saying this, but I don’t like having them in the house. I get very overstimulated by loud banging & noise, especially his 5 year old who is very clingy and sometimes randomly yells. I have an infant so I already have to deal with noise. I find myself feeling irritated and shut down, and it’s starting to turn into resentment. Wearing headphones sometimes works however I notice that I only wear the headphones when Liam's other children are around, not when it's just me and our daughter.

On top of that, I don’t feel emotionally prioritized in my relationship at all. Even when the kids aren’t here, I feel like his attention is constantly divided. I don’t feel like there is intentional time or effort toward me anymore.

There’s also a betrayal piece from last year that I’m still holding onto. So I was unaware that in 2024 when him & his ex initially broke up (i didn't know this at the time) but when we were together he was secretly trying to reconcile his relationship with her. they're divorced now, but i know he has to speak with his ex because they have children together however everytime she calls or texts it's triggering to me because it just takes me back a year ago when i found text messages or the betrayal i mentioned.

Not sure if Im just overwhelmed or truly at my wits end.

Any advice?