Therapy started a nightmare for me
Started therapy 6 months ago but had to stop the last few weeks as my life spiraled out of control and my mental health declined rapidly.
This really built up over the past 6 months, but it all culminated recently when I snapped and starting considering whether I am in fact essentially "disabled" and what that actually means to me and what lens I want to view myself through.
I realized every aspect of my personality is deeply built on various psychological and philosophical coping strategies I've developed over a lifetime, in order TO AVOID living in the completely hellish nightmare that I would be in without those schizo coping strategies.
Now, therapy has made me confront all my shortcomings and had me deconstructing those coping strategies, basically using the rationality of a "normal well-adjusted" person. Being forced to think and feel in this way has triggered extreme depression and anxiety but in a way I've never experienced before. My past depression and anxiety were always dream-like and disembodied, but now after therapy it's a direct, embodied experience of emotion that I'm not used to. Therapy pushed me to focus on, embody, and rationally analyze my deepest feelings. All of this has me in a state where I'm constantly reliving past experiences like a nightmare. I'm in a constant panic attack. I feel like I opened the floodgate to 25+ years of unprocessed emotional trauma all at once.
This doesn't feel healthy. What good are these emotions and realizations to me? Why would I really even want to analyze how disabled or non-adjusted I am according to societal norms? What if my old disembodied emotional experience, coping mechanisms, and "schizo-adjusted" rationalizations were the only things keeping me sane and functional? What if "well-adjusted" rationality is not healthy for me?
Does anyone have a similar experience with therapy?
(Things actually got so bad that I went to the ER and I'm now on some heavy sedatives, which help a lot. I'm currently trying to find a medication that will work long-term.)