To someone with whom I shared a dream
I realise that I have never acknowledged or apologised for the past. I have sometimes tried but it has always been so hard to articulate but I will try.
I hurt the one person who loved me. I was horrible to you when we were together and I was horrible to you when I left. I think about a lot of things I did, I was inconsiderate to you. I took you for granted. I didn't care nearly enough of the consequences of my words, my actions. I let you suffer when I knew you were going through a rough period. I knew everything and yet I hurt you, for so long. I was deaf while you were calling out for me. I abandoned you and even though byes were never a thing between us, I left, after so many years I left without saying goodbye. I shattered the dream that you and I shared since we were kids and I walked all over the pieces. I know I was the last person you ever expected to be that cruel and I ended up being just that. You tried so much to get us over the line, to keep us, well, us and I let you down.
I am sorry for everything. I joke sometimes that some things I do, I do for atonement but I know atonement is far out of reach for me. I will always remember the kindness and the love that you showed me and will try my best to reflect that to the best of my abilities to everyone in my life. I have been trying to understand my patterns in therapy and I hope to come out of them and not hurt anyone else in my life. I wish I hadn't hurt you.
I joke that I like that you keep men at a distance but I truly hope that you do not let my mistakes and my horrible past deprive you of any shot at love and happiness, the same one that you excel at. I hope that I will be nothing to you but a distant memory. That you give love a chance, that you let people in your life but never be hurt again. That you live a life full of nothing but smiles, laughter and love because as cliché as it is, you do deserve it all.