My uncommon—at times even opposite—experience will be the death of me. I feel that no one feels as I do.
I was hurt twice by religion.
Once in childhood by familial Christianity wherein I’d be reprimanded by my mother in an existential scope for my doubts in the existence of a Christian god. I wholly denied the church at about 10 years old, and in time they accepted that I’d not budge on the matter; I’d made up my mind.
Again at 15 in what I saw at the time as an attempt to steer myself away from my upbringing with Wicca; in actuality, my hand was forced into practice by my partner at the time. He planted seeds in my head of fear that a higher power was scorning upon me constantly of whom I needed to please, and that I’d never be free from my childhood if I didn’t practice Wicca like him. I walked with that fear constantly for months until eventually we broke up for unrelated reasons, and I left spirituality and religion behind completely.
Or at least I left it behind the very best I could. I do not want to participate in it at all, but it follows me regardless; I still panic at conversational mention of religion, and by choice I will not practice another day—the thought scares me hollow—but I still feel that unhappy presence above me. I feel so very alone in this, seeing nobody with a similar experience, and possibly worst of all, feel forsaken in a manner seeing ex-Christians begin practicing alternative spirituality and finding comfort in it, whereas I found my trauma repeated. That is where i feel “opposite.”
I want to find comfort as they do. I want to feel seen. I emphasize that I want to turn my head to the call—I am not and seemingly will never be in a headspace to return to practice. I want to live completely secularly and be truly free of this. Thank you for reading.