My (24F) best friend (27F) lets her husband (27M) make teasing comments to me, but doesn’t like when I defend myself. I don’t know if this is friendship “dealbreaker” or not, help?
This has been a common occurrence ever since my friend and her husband got married about 3 years ago (together for about 5 total), however, this recent “nail in the coffin” occurred last week at a game night.
Context: Best friend (BF) and I grew up together, our families are close with eachother as well. Sometimes we just refer to each other as “soul sisters.”
She and her husband, as far as I’m aware, have a good marriage. When I first met him I was a little apprehensive but it became clear that this was a serious relationship, so I eventually accepted him and now we’re mostly cordial.
Here’s the problem: He really likes to poke-fun at people. He’s kinda a jokester and loves to rage bait people to get a reaction out of them. Most of the time it’s harmless, but there’s been times when what he says hurts me and I call him out on it.
For example: I was showing BF some dresses I wanted to try for a party, one of them looked really pretty on the model and that I had my eye on. Her husband was in the room and took a look at the dress and said something “It’s nice, but you need a butt in order to make the look,” and then he would think he’s a comedian and laugh at himself. I don’t remember what exactly I said but it was along the lines of “I wasn’t asking you, and thank god you’re not a fashion expert.”
That’s when BF would step in and tell me “hey don’t speak to him like that.”
This is a pattern that 99% of the time I just let go.
And then last week happened: It was game night (we usually do this once a month or so), we’re having fun and whatnot, and I accidentally spilled red wine on my white sweatpants (a very very absent minded decision to wear white while drinking a red wine). I got upset and said I ruined the pants and how it’s nearly impossible to remove the stain. BF husband says “don’t worry, they were already ruined when you wore them.”
I don’t know why this particular comment really rubbed me the wrong, but I got really upset and went on a tangent on how much they cost and how not everyone can just drop money on pants whenever they want. Then Husband said “well maybe if you stopped being impossible to love you’d have a husband pay for them.”
I then called him an absolute asshole, and BF stepped in and said I was out of line. Now I’m upset with her and said “did you not hear what he said to me?!” She said “I heard, and I will talk to him in private about it, but don’t call him names.”
The rest of the night was awkward and I left their home earlier than usual. BF has been texting me apologizing about my sweatpants and offering to pay for them, but I’m so irritated with her (and husband) that I’ve been ignoring her. Especially at the fact that for a few years now, she hasn’t once stood up for me when her busbad would make these “jokes” about me, but any time I’d defend myself or match energy, she always has his back.
Now I now it is a “thing” in relationships to keep criticisms and checking your partner in private, and I do see how that’s a better thing to do rather than in public to sustain a relationship. I get that part. What I don’t understand is how BF is seemingly okay with her Husband poking fun at her friend, in a mean way, and not saying a word about it in the moment.
Maybe I’m overly sensitive about this, but it overall hurts my feelings. Any advice is welcome.