u/Scary-Youth-3423

If you’re at a superstore where the checkout lines are long and you’re the (obviously) only one in the queue with a basket full of a fuck ton of liquor (so heavy the plastic handle of the basket is bending) and don’t want to be judged or ashamed… Just stop by the birthday card isle, and pick up x1 cheap shitty birthday card and x1 bag of shitty balloons or a shitty birthday banner.

Place these items on top of said alcohol and tadaaaa, the people in the queue and cashier instantly think you’re throwing some sort of birthday party.

Works every time.

EDIT: I’m only talking about large superstores. My local clerk knows what I want without even asking.

Chairs.

Yo guys and gals.

I got fucking wasted on Thursday night. I’m staying at my parents atm, I don’t actually know why because I was drunk when I left on the Monday? Did my wife kick me out? Fuck knows.

So my parents were worried as I was slurring my speech and not making much sense. I blamed it on my new antidepressant medication and that they were making me confused.

Next thing I know is I’m in the back of the car absolutely blasted on my way to A&E to get checked out. Got my fucking bloods taken (which I vaguely remember). Results came back and the doc said everything looks fine but some markers from your liver are elevated. FUCK SAKE. I still blamed it on my medication.

So tomorrow I’m going back to the hospital for a more blood tests and a liver ultrasound. Bricking it really, but I’m hoping the initial bloods were fucked because I drank over a litre of hard liquor before going to A&E.

White knuckled it since Friday evening without a taper so I can dry out quick. Lots of puking bile and shitting water. Reason being my wife thinks I haven’t been drinking as much as I actually have (every day for about a year). So I’m pretty sure the results are going to be fucked anyway.

Wish me luck.

Chairs

For some reason, whenever I leave my house now I instantly want to shit. Probably anxiety or something.

It was a warm day here (uk) like 16 degrees so decided to wear my flip flops and shorts (I live 5 minutes from the beach so kinda standard)

Anyway, got to the shop, which is a 10 minute walk. Got my vodka for the day and some snacks etc.

But on the way back to my house it all went wrong. There was a devil stirring in my rectum. So I started to jog. Playing it off cool, still saying hello to people as I jogged by.

The brain is a funny thing, the closer you get to home, the more you need a shit/piss.

I jogged to my road and then all hell broke loose.

Started shitting arse piss. So the jog turned into a sprint. But because I was wearing flip flops it made the sprint much worse. The flop was fine, but the flip was spraying arse juice all over the back of my white T-shirt. And it started to get slippery too as my bum piss dribbled down my leg and under my feet.

Made it home, covered in bum piss. Cleaned myself up in the outside toilet and then discreetly took a shower.

Don’t go to the shops if you have arse piss.

Anyway that’s my last story. My life in general is really boring, but if you read this and it makes you laugh, then I’m happy.

Chairs.

Throwaway account, or whatever you call it. Wife was meant to be away for the night so I decided to kill off a 700ml bottle of Vodka in a couple of hours. Fucking destroyed me.

During that 2hr stint I had fun Photoshopping my face onto tragic events through history. I done them all. From JFK to me sitting in a cockpit with Osama Bin Laden. Apparently I was also in the crowd at a Hitler rally.

Anyway, I passed out pretty early and started sweating like a pig (been drinking about 1L a day for about 2 months). Stripped naked knowing I’d be safe… I wasn’t. Passed out and missed messages from my wife saying she’s coming home. She came into my room, I’m butt naked with an image of me in the cockpit with fucking Bin Laden and an empty bottle of Vodka.

Didn’t piss myself though.

Sleeping on the sofa tonight.

Chairs

Edit: I’ll post the pictures later. They’re tasteless. I’m sorry everyone I was absolutely shit faced.