u/ScribbleThoughts

I dont know if this an anxious thing or ADHD thing or other thing but oh my goddd it's so hard to talk to people while unmedicated.

A conversation is SO difficult to get through. I'll be talking to the person, or they're talking, and I'm listening, trying to listen, and I start thinking about SO much during the moment, some related to the conversation, some not, and I dont know why.

I think an inner dialogue like.. "am I making enough eye contact? Are they making eye contact? what does that say about me or them based on how much eye contact we're having? am I looking at the right spot, which eye am I supposed to watch?? Are they taking me seriously when I look at them in the eyes? Wow they have cool eye color I wish I had that color mine are so boring.. oh they said something that reminds me of something else I need to remember to tell them that thing in a moment since I shouldn't interrupt that's rude, people dont like it when they cut you off so I'll cross my fingers subtly so I can remember that I did that to remind myself of the thing I want to tell them that relates to this story, just so I dont cut them off...

i remember my parent snapping at me a few months ago telling me I always cut people off when I was just trying to finish their sentence because they seemed to struggle to find the word-do people think that's rude all the time? am I always rude like that? oh shit wait i need to listen to this person oh fuck what did they say just now I think I missed it should I ask them to repeat it or should I just nod right now and smile? is that the right emotional response? crap they're going to notice I wasn't listening, should I ask them to repeat it? they will think I wasnt listening and might get annoyed, but if I give the wrong response to the moment they'll get annoyed anyway, I need to assess how serious the conversation is because I dont need to give the wrong type of gesture if it's a certain kind of conversation.. is my body language okay as far as gestures go, too?

shit don't cross your arms that comes off as being closed off and uncomfortable just like my boss from years ago told me, is my body moving enough or too much is my leg bouncing again do they feel it, is it bothering this person? damnit I forgot what they said again-pay attention-oh my fingers are crossed why was I doing that again? oh they mentioned a new thing HEY i can relate to that thing I want to tell them something so bad but I shouldnt, people get mad when you do that, they think you're taking the spotlight and making it about yourself, but I just really want to relate to them right now!! But I shouldnt, thats not the right time to do that, but when is? Fuck fuck this conversation is lasting forever is it over yet? how am I doing in this so far? Do they think Im listening and relating and making good conversation in return? What if i have something stuck between my teeth, I should stop smiling as much just in case until I can check that in a mirror, also wow they have nice earrings I like this I should compliment them on that or something when I get a chance, is this over yet---"

So that goes on and on and on in my head and it is SO hard to remember what people say when all of that noise is happening inside my head and it's just really difficult. I dont like that struggle at all and I feel like it hinders my short term memory so that I forget parts of conversations or never sunk in the information to begin with, and I feel terrible when I have to ask for repeated information or ask something a second time and especially in work scenarios I feel like my superiors will think I was just not listening at all when that's not actually true.

I feel a bit like this pattern is a cross of anxiety with ADHD. It's part of why social situations are so hard for me and takes up so much of my energy. I'm thinking like this all of the time and trying to remember so many things like what topics to talk about, or to avoid, and how my words will come across or affect someone and it's just really tiresome.

I find living alone to be the most wonderful thing because I can finally stop putting so much effort into socializing. I can just exist in my comfortable alone space. I value my alone time highly and I really need it to recharge because socializing is so exhausting. Even if it's people I enjoy being around. Sometimes it's more difficult with people I enjoy being around, because I deeply care about how I come across and fret a ton about saying something that might hurt them, as I dont want to hurt anyone.

I often hear ADHD people never be quiet and love talking. I dont think I experience that. It takes so much mental effort to talk to people that I can't love it. It's work. Constant work. Sometimes I seem to set people off or embarrass myself in ways I never realized until it was too late. And then I stress over it to an unhealthy level.

I never really want to date anyone because I dread the idea of living with another person. I would really benefit from a roommate situation so I can save money since Im not able to now because every paycheck goes to the bills but I absolutely despise the idea of having to co-exist with someone in my space. It's just too much work. I want quiet and peaceful time alone, which I would never get when living with someone else. It's just too stressful to be social all the time.

I guess Im writing this to get it out of my head and to view my thoughts outside my mind, and as a reach out to the ADHD/anxiety sufferers out there to see if anyone experiences similar, since it seems a lot of times like I am the only one who lives with this struggle to the point of not wanting to date, not wanting to roommate, feeling so drained after every social activity ever. I know I'm an introvert but I think this goes way beyond introversion.

TLDR: Just thinking out loud. And wondering if anyone else feel like socializing is always draining even when it's people you like due to how hard it is to hold a conversation? Is it so hard for you that you loathe the idea of living with another person or having to be around a partner constantly? Does being alone give you peace that being

Struggling with current starter/low-dose stimulant (still helpful, just not quite enough).
Doctor visit comes up. Talk to my doctor about adjusting dose.
Upped my stimulants dose about 3 weeks ago. Prescription sent to pharmacy day of my doctor visit.
Went to pick up new dose. Not allowed to because it's too soon to "refill" since I picked up my SMALLER previous dose not long ago.
Pharmacist tells me to double up my dose to equal my new dose. Gives me new date to come back and get my new upped dose.
Time comes to pick up new dose. Ask pharmacist to fill. They can't fill it, not in stock (as usual).
Few days pass. Nothing. Call pharmacy. Not only is it not in stock, it's on an unknown time back order. Pharmacist tells me it could be as soon as 2 weeks.
I tell pharmacy "what am I supposed to do now? You said I could double up my dose...so I did. Now my prescription is almost out."
Get the whole "Ohh...yeah...sorry. You could call around to other pharmacies and have your prescription transferred if they have it in stock."
I ask if I'm just supposed to be out of my very important medication until an unknown date and ask if there's anything they can do to help. There isn't. Tough luck to me I guess.
Found new pharmacy with medication IN stock.
Working on transferring to new pharmacy.
It's been 6 days since I asked my doctor's office to transfer my medication. No response for almost 1 week.
Still waiting and waiting and waiting.

Horseshit. I'm tired of pharmacies. I'm tired of insane restrictions on these medications that are LIFE SAVING to those who actually need them. I'm tired of my doctor's medical assistant slacking at their job and not sending my prescriptions on time. I'm tired of my medications being out of stock.

I know some people here will genuinely understand the struggle of having to work, to clean, to cook, to manage, to function without the right medication.

I just want my meds...you know so I can actually exist and function like a normal human being. I can live without it, it's just SIGNIFICANTLY more difficult.

I saw this coming and I prepared months in advance. I stockpile any meds when I can. I'm just disappointed in being let down by the medical system this way.

The whole 30 day refill thing is horseshit, too. If I refill my medication on the 30th day when I am allowed to, half the time it falls on a weekend, so there goes at least 1-2 days without meds. Then it's usually out of stock, there goes another 5-7 days without meds. And if it's on back order, add another 1-3 weeks on top of that.

I'm pretty annoyed.

Other flair: Help/Advice Wanted

I've been struggling a ton with my anger and frustration and overall emotions in general.

Everything I feel is just too much feeling.

When I get sad, I get DEPRESSED. When I get mad, I become ENRAGED. When I get nervous, I get ANXIOUS.

It's all just too much. When I get down on myself in a round of RSD, I become nearly suicidal (I'm fine, I'm safe, yes, I have a therapist) and all I want to do is self-harm.

I've had anger management recommended to me before. I've had inpatient recommended to me before. I've been on many medications, 95% of which made things worse. Stimulants are the one medication that helps a lot, but it doesn't perfectly help with the emotional component and not the anger, either. It helps SOME, but just not enough.

((PLEASE do not recommend guanfacine or clonadine to me, I can't access those right now, believe me I have TRIED. I would LOVE to try one of those, but I can't right now due to financial and medical reasons.))

As I work through this diagnosis and learn more, I find I'm increasingly angry at my own shortcomings. Reasonably, I know that is making things worse. Emotionally, I'm having trouble stopping the making it worse part. I'm just so disgusted with these things about myself. The bad memory, the impulsivity, the short temper, the unreasonable anger, the RSD waves, the anxiety, the fear, the racing thoughts, the lack of attention, the demotivation, everything!

My self-confidence has taken a nose-dive. I feel as if ADHD is an affliction, and I am cursed with it.

I'm just so tired of feeling everything at 150% instead of normal levels. I'm very unhappy with my mood drops when something happens and being unable to bounce back from it quickly enough so that it doesn't ruin my whole day and everyone's day around me. I'm tired of the RSD and the rage.

I've been in therapy for this with my long-term therapist, but it's not helping fast enough. I'm distraught. When I'm upset, I'm just...TOO upset.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this. I'm usually good about keeping my rage internal or saved for when I am isolated, but I have broken multiple things when alone, I have hurt myself many times over physically and mentally, I have said things I regret in the rare seconds when my rage does exit my mouth in form of spoken word, and all those little moments of rage being let out make me feel even more like I should NEVER feel anything ever. Because it's just too much. Too much emotion is so bad for everyone involved.

If I let out my anger, bad things happen. So I don't know how people are supposed to handle anger, because when I do let it out in "normal" ways, it's not enough to quell it. Writing it out doesn't release it enough to not feel it or still be FUMING over it. Working out and punching things doesn't help enough, either. Usually if I'm in a rage and I throw something and it breaks, I just become MORE enraged! It's so pathetic. And if I keep it all inside, I silently fume and I dwell and I end up wanting to harm myself in various ways and sometimes I will act on it when the chance arises.

I really feel like if I didn't have ADHD I wouldn't have rage THIS badly. I'm just really disappointed in myself for not being able to manage my crazy emotions, and I really get upset when I realize that it's probably like this because of a brain structural issue that I cannot control and cannot do a damned thing about.

If anyone has any tips on handling rage, it's ok to share, please share, I'm desperately searching for anything.

I'm reading a book right now about anger called Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh. I'm open to any other reading material or podcast material or whatever is out there.
I want to improve myself. I'm tired of ruining my day with my over the top emotions. Not only anger, but sadness, too, and becoming so down on myself I can barely keep moving.

Im so livid right now.

I carry around a few of my instant release medication tablets in a little pill container so I dont have to keep my entire prescription with me when Im at work. Today I fucking forgot that I had that container in my stupid fucking pocket of my work pants and I decided to do the laundry.

I just washed a day's worth of medication. I remembered after half the washing cycle and got the container out, but some moisture seeped in, and possibly detergent, so I probably shouldn't try to use them, now. They're still relatively formed, but a bit mushy and crumbly.

I just ruined my whole night. And probably tomorrow. I'm so furious with myself. I fucking NEED these medications to do my stupid work. To do ANYTHING. And I just threw away a day's worth of medication. These stupid fucking pills are the only thing saving my ass anymore. Without them I am comparatively so nonfunctional.

It's little fuck ups like this that make me so dysregulated and pissed off because I know I will do this kind of shit for the rest of my fucking life. I even tried to implement a "check the pockets" rule because I have washed other valuable items before and wasted them that way. And I forgot to follow that rule, just like I forgot to put my medications container back in its proper place, too.

I hate hate hate that sinking feeling of knowing you fucked up before you confirm it. As soon as I went to prep my meds for the next day, I realized my grave mistake and my insides dropped.

I'm so angry at myself I can barely withhold myself from doing something destructive.

I hate ADHD I hate having ADHD. I hate dealing with these stupid fucking little mess ups all the fucking time. Today, it's my meds my thoughtless brain messed up. Some years ago, it was my phone, which I forgot somewhere and had it stolen. I've forgotten important baggage, I've forgotten where I put important things like my wallet, documents, electronics... I've ruined so many things, I've wasted so much money, probably thousands in damages caused by my idiocy and forgetfulness and distracted mind.

I'm so sick of living with this disorder. This sickness. This affliction. I wish there was a cure for ADHD. I really wish there was a cure for this. I hate knowing that it's a "brain structure" problem and that I will be dealing with this same type of shit for the rest of my fucking life. It depresses me to no end. Actually it just sort of pisses me off to no end. These medications really help me with my depression and anxiety, but they don't help enough with forgetfulness or emotional control. I'm so angry.

I can't believe I did this. I'm always SO careful with my medications because I am TERRIFIED I will end up losing them. And I haven't lost many...Until today. I'm so furious. I hate this disorder. I hate this brain.

I really don't want to live like this for another 30+ years. It's so exhausting and life-sucking and tiresome and stressful. I have to second guess EVERYTHING I do and say, because I never know where and when my next fuck up will be, and it always catches me by surprise the MOMENT I have a lapse in thinking.

This disease is relentless. I wish I wasn't here.