How did I stay so long?
TW: mention of SI, substance abuse, mental health issues, stealing
I got married in 2021. I have a high 6 figure job and 4 degrees. I work 60+ hours each week, including lots of weekend hours. I have always had issues with >!depression, anxiety, SI, being overweight, etc.!<
I knew when I married him he had a history of drug use but was sober at the time and had been for more than 5 years. 6 months after we got married he got hurt at his blue collar job and he fell off the wagon. From that day it has been him falling off the wagon and then sobriety. He crashed 2 cars during that period. No one was ever hurt and he was arrested after one. I paid for his lawyer. He got sober again - 1 year of sobriety but no job. Then his dad had a stroke and he takes over his dad’s company. He falls off the wagon again. I helped him get sober. Over the next few years he has spent over $25k of my money on random shit and drugs. I pay for all his medical, I pay for everything we own and do. He doesn’t have his name on any of my cards or bank accounts but I couldn’t bring myself to filing a claim against him for stealing. He was high on my 30th bday and high on my graduation from my 4th degree. He tried again to get sober this past year and ended up in the hospital bc of seizures. He was in the hospital for 1 month - on my 31st bday. Now he is sober and as healthy as someone with a long history of hard drug use can be, but still no job. He takes the trash out and kind of does some of the house chores but not a lot, I still have to do most of it and if I don’t the house is in shambles.
I want to leave. I’ve wanted to leave for so long. But I feel guilty because he isn’t a functional human. Before I got into therapy, I thought I deserved this situation and I had to take care of him or I was a terrible person. >!I thought my only escape was ending it all.!<
After so much therapy, I know its not my job to keep him alive, to give him happiness, to take care of him and I know I should have left in the first year. I feel like an idiot and a monster all at the same time. But I need to leave I can’t keep living like this. I want a real life. I want to live.