Torn between wanting distance or not
My brother is in a wheelchair, and I spend most of my time in my room to avoid being around my parents. My mom has a lot of unchecked anxiety, and my dad is emotionally absent. Both my parents keep a roof over my head, and I have never been physically deprived of anything, which I am grateful for, but I feel no emotional connection to either of them. Both of them have been verbally abusive to me as a child (ie calling me stupid, selfish, comparing me to a family member they don’t like). I can’t be around my mom without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells, and she complains or gets annoyed nearly every time I’m around her. For example, my childhood sports coach and neighbor died recently, and my mom cared more about me getting a helix piercing. She didn’t even ask about his funeral details. I feel like she wants me to play the role of her daughter without even liking me as a person and needs me to be a certain way regulate her emotions.
the only person in my family I am fond of is my brother. I want to someday distance myself from my family, but I feel guilty because my parents immigrated from another country and went through a lot. I also don’t want to leave my brother behind. He also resents me for being so distant from my family and says I’m ungrateful. Basically, I feel like I should be doing more for my family, but every ounce of my body wants not to. I am currently in college slowly working toward my independence, but I live with my parents during breaks and am not financially independent yet.