Nanny trial- is this normal?
Sorry this is going to be a bit long and detailed but I just want some thoughts because I left this trial feeling a bit emotionally drained, distraught and a little confused. I want to gauge if I’m overreacting or if this is normal/ a red flag.
I recently had a weekend trial with a nanny family with 2 toddlers girls. The expectations and pay were not communicated to me beforehand. But the family graciously booked a hotel for me since I was coming in from outside their city. This is for a live-in role.
When I arrived, this was our first meeting face to face. I met the girls and played with them and got to know them for a bit. They were very resistant initially because their first and longest term nanny left them several months ago and she was like a mother figure apparently. Since then, they’ve had other nanny trials which apparently didn’t meet the parents expectations.
The parents have high standards which they should good for them! But later, the mother was telling me why she didn’t like the other candidates and referenced things like “she was wearing green nail polish and that’s not really my style” “she would tell my kids silly stories about monsters and I just don’t like that” “i would never do those things”
Granted, the mother also heavily implied that she herself doesn’t have maternal instincts “doesn’t really like to play on the floor with blocks and stuff” and would rather be working since she’s passionate about business. Fine.
But anyway, on this first day the mother was scrambling to get dressed and said a quick hello to me and went to get ready. I wasn’t shown the house we didn’t have a deeper introduction it was just a “hey here are the girls. We told them you’re a friend just in case because we’ve seen so many nannies that if it doesn’t work out we don’t want to affect them some more” then she left. Her husband came to shake my hand and then sat in the living room/ play room on his computer, working in the same room as us while I tried to interact with the girls. They ran away from me often and went to their dad (again, understandably) but they had moments of curiosity where they opened up a bit showing me their favorite toys. I’m a very easy person to like because I adapt really well with various children’s personalities. Never met a child that didn’t like me so far.
The mom came back eventually and said “I know you were just on a train for 3 hours you’re probably tired but we’re gonna drive an hour away to visit some friends at a restaurant and you’re coming with us” I was a little taken aback by this because I would have expected us to stay home, learn about where everything was, discover the house, neighborhood, understand the girls behavior and habits, routines etc but no. We all got in the car together and went to a restaurant an hour away to see their friends.
When we arrived, this restaurant was on the edge of a lake so indoor/outdoor. We sat indoors and they were all chatting with their friends who also had a toddler boy. It was really awkward because I’m not fluent in their native language and I barely know them so I was just sitting there. The girls were seated next to the mom and the friends so I couldn’t even attempt to interact with them. Felt very awkward and my thoughts were “this is a little unprofessional on their end” (but idk if this is normal for a trial???) then the mom told the little girls (again 2 and 3) that they can go run around outside and that the nanny will watch you. Mind you, outside there are some people eating and sunbathing near the lake that has a rail around it. It’s very dangerous and so we went outside and then the toddler boy came with the mom and she said “do you mind watching him too” (it didn’t seem like a question more of a “watch him so we can chat with our friends we haven’t seen in a long time) I was so shocked because what??? Who is he?? And he didn’t speak English. The kids naturally didn’t listen and ran around disturbing people eating, screaming, running near the lake. When I’d touch the kids and gently rub their backs and say let’s go over here to play” they would scream so loud and have tantrums rolling on the floor in between the people eating. I’m a professional nanny but still this was impossible to handle on my own. The parents were just hanging out with their friends, aloof.
I tried to be as gentle as possible with the girls because something the parents emphasized was wanting a nanny who can be gentle but firm with their girls. They said the previous nannies were too strict and that they liked my gentle demeanor. The girls were inconsolable though- nonetheless I kept my calm. Everyone in the restaurant and outside were looking at me very annoyed and a woman sunbathing even yelled at me “hey! This is for relaxing. No no no” I wanted to die right there. So embarrassing and annoying. With three children outside who wouldn’t listen to me, I couldn’t just walk back inside alone to tell the parents to come help me because I had to watch them very closely. Running in different directions. So I called the mom on my phone and she didn’t answer, so I texted her. Eventually they came outside aloof smiling and playing with their kids. I told the mom do you think you can help me with them if we’re outside because it’s very dangerous near the lake, otherwise it would be best for us to go inside and play with their puzzle instead at the table. Then their dad and the other dad friend came outside to play with the boy so she said it’s fine her dad is outside now. They can play outside if they want to
That was very overwhelming. Later, we drove back home, the girls took a nap in the car so the mom told me to go back to the hotel for a little 30 min break. She told me to come back afterwards and I can stay for an hour and a half to watch the girls have dinner. (I was given the choice to have dinner with the parents later or to eat alone somewhere in the city- so I chose to eat alone because I was very tired and needed a break)
I came back when she was prepping dinner for the girls and the parents sat and watched as I sat with the girls monitoring them as they ate. I talked to them often, since increasing their exposure to English is also part of my duty. The dad ate at the table too and kept saying in English (not his first language and in a baby voice “are you gonna eat your rice? Shall we put some cheese here” etc which I found very distracting if the purpose is for me to bond with them. I didn’t understand what he was doing, everytime I tried to interact with them he followed up with something redirecting the convo with them and they were naturally more engaged with him. The mom was in the kitchen sitting listening but I think on her phone- she seemed exhausted.
It just felt a little awkward being watched like that. I think I handled it well since I’m naturally very comfortable with children- It just wasn’t clear to me whether this was dad and girls bonding time and I should be quiet or what haha
Anyway, when they finished eating the mom said “you can go back to the hotel now sorry for today and thanks” she kept insisting that this was an unusual day and it’s not typically like this. I figured okay I guess. But also we had scheduled this trial like 2 weeks in advance- why would you visit your friends during our trial??? I didn’t say that but I was thinking that. Especially- a public outing on the first day of a trial????? Is that normal??? Especially when kids have transition issues with unfamiliar people.
Anyway, I was dismissed back to the hotel. Didn’t see the girls room or bathroom or any other part of the house on the first day, didn’t see the bedtime routine either (This is a 2 day trial).
The second day I came more optimistic thinking day 1 was a fluke and I am an understanding and patient person.
Day 2: I arrive early in the morning at the designated time. Everyone’s asleep. The dad opens the door and says “hi! everyone’s sleep. I’ll check on them” he leaves for 20 minutes and then comes back like “we’re in the kitchen” very coldly. So I greet the mom and girls who seem a little happier to see me today. The dad is sitting at the table near the girls and the mom hands me bread and a knife and says “can you make them bread and jam. She stood there and he sat there watching me. As I cut a slice of bread into smaller pieces for the 2 year old and 3 year old and out jam on it. The three year old screamed No I want a bigger one!!! So I explained that let’s start with a smaller piece and the dad chimed in and naturally took over the conversation and picked up the bread and started showing them etc. I felt really stupid and uncomfortable there because every-time I tried to chime in the girls would look at their mom and dad and say “I want you to do it” I felt like I was being evaluated so blatantly in what felt like an unnatural way. Like… do you really have to watch me cut bread and put jam on it? That’s so awkward. I’m an adult with several years of experience as a nanny - this is what they chose to watch me do??? (Mind you, when I spoke to the mom on the phone she also heavily implied that the dad is mostly uninvolved so I was really shocked to see him so present and overbearing it almost felt performative for what reason? Idk)
Anyway. I was asked to change a diaper and had to follow up each time with a “where’s her room” “do you have a particular way of doing this” “is there anything I should know?” “Where’s the bin for this?” “Where do you keep the wipes” they didn’t show me anything unless I asked. It’s almost like I was expected to just know everything. Fortunately the girl let me change her diaper which apparently she never lets anyone do except mom and dad and her previous nanny. Then I was told to go with them to wash hands and brush teeth and do hair. I had to ask the girls where everything was because the parents couldn’t be bothered to show me.
Then, we had another outing. lol. At a farm of sorts. Like a petting zoo with farm animals. When we got there the mom took the 3 year olds hand and I naturally stood with the 2 year old which I was happy to do! The whole time I walked with the 2 year old and engaged with her, showing her the animals- helping her feed and pet them. (She’s a really smart two year old and talks in full-ish sentences and is super aware)
The mom, who has an anxious personality walked ahead of us, not really waiting or paying attention to where we were. Nonetheless it went well at the beginning. Then eventually the 2 year old had a tantrum and out of nowhere collapsed on the floor screaming (I imagine that’s probably because her mom just disappeared walking so fast ahead of us) and everytime I touched her gently and spoke calmly she screamed and would yank away from me. By then, the mom and the group we were with had already left to the next section but the toddler wouldn’t move. I stayed with her crouched down gently singing to her and offering her some water. She was inconsolable and again people were staring with a very disappointing look. I called the mom twice and she didn’t pick up. Which is absolutely ridiculous because she had been on her phone the entire time texting. How do you just not answer??
She came back so aloof and with a look of annoyance that we were so far behind. Picked the girl up and we walked to the next section together. I told her “I think she’s hungry. I offered her some biscuits and water but she said she wants you to give it to her” she said “no I think she’s fine.” She kept leaving the 2 year old with me and walking away. I told her she’s having attachment issues and I think it’s best if we all walk together and stay together but the mom still kept walking away from us. So I stayed calm and tried entertaining the 2 year old in different ways. She calmed down eventually.
Same thing happened when the dad joined us later for lunch at this farm and he came in hot super engaged with them which is great but then randomly disappeared somewhere else while the mom went to the car to let the youngest have a nap. I was with the 3 year old alone outside at this restaurant farm and we played and ran around and colored. Then when she noticed her whole family disappeared she was inconsolable. Despite my best efforts to calm her. I said “let’s go for a walk to find your daddy” as a last resort and she didn’t want to. So I called her dad- no answer. lol
Anyway. I’ll stop there. We went home. I met the housekeeper for the first time who is fantastic and very sweet. The girls loved her and she was very nice with me and interacted with me a lot, voluntarily helped me with the girls when they naturally ran to her (she’s a super bubbly familiar face to them) Etc.
At the end, when I had to leave because the trial was over- the girls were very sad and the dad said to the girls “it’s okay tell her we will see her again!”
Why would he say that???? Don’t tell them that. Don’t put that thought in their heads. That made me feel a lot of pressure. I hadn’t made my mind up yet. On top of that, the mom- as I was leaving- said “so when’s your availability, we were thinking mid June. That’s best for us.”
I’m really confused because they spoke to me as if I had accepted the position, I never once alluded to yes. This is a trial. It can’t be one sided. They never asked me my thoughts or how I felt. They never showed me the routine, the girls clothes, their anything. The mom also went on a spiel about “ for me if you’re good at your job things don’t have to be explained, it’s intuitive. My first nanny knew everything immediately”
I’m 28. Her previous nanny was 60 and had a full grown adult child. Her comment didn’t make any sense to me. We don’t even come from the same culture. OF COURSE things have to be explained. She was heavily implying that if the girls are happy that’s proof that the nanny is good at her job. Um like Noo? That’s not true at all. It’s way more complex and nuanced.
It felt very much like she approached this entire thing like a business person with a business mindset. The mom had mentioned a few times that with the right person she would be happy to “disappear” into her work and let them have sole charge. (Is that a red flag?) that sounds really weird for a mother to say that. Sorry to judge but I’ve never heard of such a thing.
She said if you can give us an answer about your start date asap it would be very helpful. I felt a looooot of pressure from them. Where’s the humanity of asking me how I felt about the girls and the trial date????
I did send her a text a few hours after I left reiterating my approach to the bonding process and that it’s not gonna happen overnight with the girls and that transition period will take longer than the mother is anticipating and that I’m still in the process of reflecting and considering if our perspectives on this role are compatible long term (since ideally, this is a long term commitment role) and don’t want to give them an impulsive response because I take this kind of role seriously. She responded with something along the lines of “we’re super flexible. I know you have your own life so we would take that into consideration”
That wasn’t really the point. What was missing was the humanity, the consideration, the taking time to explain and walk me through your process. Especially since your standards are so high. You have to explain things more diligently.
To be crystal clear: I genuinely love kids. And the kids, despite their tantrums and not listening were lovely! Those are all things that can be worked on. Those things don’t bother me. What bothered me was how the parents interacted with me on day 1, their aloofness, the way they spoke about their long term nanny, and the trivial critiques of their other trial nannies, and their disregard towards me in public. And of course the mom’s perception that if the girls are upset and running to the parents often is MUST mean that the nanny is incompetent.
Anyway. Sorry for the long and overly detailed message. I would be happy to hear people’s thoughts about this situation and whether it reads as normal or not for a nanny trial. Also whether you would accept this position or not? The pay is really good for where I live and my lifestyle (roughly 4k usd a month) But is this situation worth it? Thanks
(I hope this is the right place to post this- sorry if it isn’t)