u/SeaWolf127

So... this is going to be very, very long winded, as I feel the context to this question is very important. Thus, it will be broken up into two parts. Part 1, the context, and Part 2, my question/what I'm asking for help with.

I wkant to preface this with, I feel like I'm the type of person that cares too much about others, and tries to do everything for someone else, as I would want someone to be there for me if I needed it. So I tend to care too much. But thats just a bit of info. Now, into the context of the problem:

It all started on Discord(of course it did). I was part of a small server, about 10 people. The server was essentially themed after a group in Israel, and there were a lot of jokes supporting Israel, about joining the IDF, etc, but thats not what I'm here to talk about. I never really participated in this, and only joined the group because it was a lot of people I was friends with through discord, and as someone whos always been a sort of "lonewolf" his whole life, I was hoping this would be the 'one' friend group that would become life long friends. (boy was I wrong)

A lot of the server was based on playing various games as a group, and seeing as I had a shi laptop, i was never able to join. One of the server members, we shall call her... Mustang (who my question will later be about), took notice I was always being left out, and she tried to do stuff with the group that would allow me to be involved. I was touched that someone cared enough to try incooperating me into the friend group. Long story short, she eventually sold me a $1000 dollar gaming laptop for aobut $200 cause she didn't need it and really wanted me to be able to join in with the group.

Well... right around the time I got the laptop, the incident happened. It happened to coincide with June 1st. I am going to preface this with a trigger warning/mention of pride month. I am neither for or against the LGTBQ community. That's all I'm going to say.

Well, a few members of the server are part of that group, and wanted to change the server icon to one to celebrate pride month(and it was later brought up of keeping that same logo for ever). I made a comment about how I was fine with it for June, but would prefer the old logo afterwards. Well, to be fair, my comment was very poorly worded, and it was understandably taken wrong. I was accused of being very homophobic. I turned to another server member, we'll call him Alaska. He was someone I thought I could trust, and was talking to him about how I could fix the missunderstanding. He, I now realize, gaslighted me into beliving that I was transphobic. At this same time, he was feeding bits of our conversation to Mustang, making her to belive I was not only homophobic, but also transphobic, and overall making me to look like a much worse person than I would like to belive I am.

Alaska told me I had to put an aplogy into the server, call myself out as a homophobic/transphoboic, apologize and what not. I did, and... the apology was not accepted well. Many of the server members thought it was a joke. At this time, another server member tried to come to my defense saying things had just been missunderstood about the logo and stuff, and he much more eloquently said, "the server logo is fine for now, but I also agree we should change it." I piped in trying to say: "Thats what i had been trying to get at the first time." That wasn't accepted well, and my friend Mustang basically told me to f off.

At this point, I realized that I had been gaslighted into saying things I didn't belive (I'm a people pleaser, and yeah...), and I was suddenly very, very uncomfortable since I had said things in the server I had felt forced to say to fix things that were not true, I felt like I had been attacked for simply not supporting a group, and yeah. So I left, partially because I was very uncomfortabe, didn't want to cause further problems, and figured they would prefer me to not stay. Mustang had told me she never wanted to talk to me again, but had asked me to not leave the server. (Explain that logic.) But then a few hours later, Mustang reached out asking if we could talk through things, and we did. She begged me to come back to the server, and as someone who tries really hard to not hold grudges, agreed to come back. She had gone back and deleted a lot of messages in the server, but I was still very reluctant to rejoin, and was really only doing it for her. I told her how I felt how Alaska had gaslighted me, and she was understanding of that.

A side note, which will become prevelent later. In that server before all this happened, we had been watching the Clone Wars as a group, and had done so for many days in a row. During my conversation with Mustang trying to clear things up, she had mentioned the third night we had streamed the CW, that night was planning on harming herself, but becuase we watched CW as a group, she decided not to. Which I'm glad for. But she also mentioned she had a crush on me, and that was a bit weird, but I wasn't going to make an issue of it.

So I did take the invite back to the server, but was never really active. And again, I was feeling very, very uncomfortable being back there, but I don't belive anyone really cared. But, I've been thinking a lot about things, and I realized I've been putting forth a lot of effort to people I don't feel care.

So a few days ago, I decided to leave the server, and also cut ties with a lot of people and only focus on the relationships I feel have any vaule/people that care.

That is the context of my question.

Part 2. Is it worth it anymore?

Since the whole thing happened, Mustang and I have more or less kept our friendship, but shortly after all that shi went down, I noticed a new person was added to the server, and I felt like I was very quickly replaced. I would often DM Mustang questions, and I would see her active on the server, and then just never respond to me, but she did claim I was one of her best friends, and that she cared about/valued my friendship a lot.

If someone isn't in the mood to talk, I have no issue with that. But I have always been someone to always respond when someone reaches out to me, so I do guess I somewhat expect the same back. But I felt like the past few weeks, she's been pulling away, but I've not mentioned it, and she did apologize once for never messenging because life is busy. I told her not to worry about it (I very so much hate making people feel bad, and so will put asside my own feelings for theirs.) I tried to reassure her things were fine, but she was adament she felt bad for ignoring me and would try to reach out more. (Spoiler, and honestly, not to my suprise, that didn't happen)

Shortly after the big drama happend in the server I stumbled upon a $40 dollar art book I bought for Mustang and shipped to her. In return for payment, she was going to draw some characaters for some world building I do, and make it a even payment. But a few weeks went by and nothing really happened with that. I eventually texted and was like, "You okay if I get the $40 back, and then can pay you later for the characters?"

Around this point, I felt like I had tried hard for this friendship and not recived anything in return. A few months ago, when she was struggling, I had tried to set her up with free licsened counseling my church does, like, I basically got everything set up, all she had to do was call. (She said she wanted it), but never did anything with it, and I was a bit miffed, but never said anything.

Well, I have noticed her being active in another server we share (not the one where all the drama went down), and again, I don't care, though it is a bit disapointing reaching out to someone, seeing them talking elsewhere and igorning you, but what ever.

Then yesterday, she texted me saying basically: "Yo, I've got a lot going on, and I'm not really doing okay. I won't be able to work on your characters for a while, so I'll try to get that $40 to you after my next paycheck. I'm going to be stepping away from everything for a while."

I responded: "Screw the $40. That isn't important. Focus on things, and I'm here, if you need to talk."

A few hours later I sent her a bit of a longer message basically saying, "I'm sorry your hurting, but I'm here, if you need someone." And have left it at that.

This is where I'm conflicted. If I was struggling, I would want someone to reach out, even if I didn't respond, I would want them to be there for me. And I want to be there. But she did say, she was going to step away from everything.

The other part of me is: I'm tried of trying. I do completley understand that I did mess up a few times during our friendship, but I feel like I have done a lot for her, and not been treated super well. And that part of me wants to just throw in the towel and give up. If she wants to be friends again, great. If not... well, I'm not going to try anymore.

Here is my question: Do I continue to try, reach out (I do not expect her to respond for a long time, but I can at least check in and show someone cares), or do I say that I've done my part and give up?

I do apologize for how long this is, but I feel that the context of everything is important. If there are any questions or things I need to clarify, please let me know. and if I'm missing something and am absolutley just a piece of shi human, (which is possible), call me out on that. I appreciate any feedback/advice. Cheers