u/Sea_Cardiologist_598

i (19f) have been struggling with anorexia for around 2-3 years, with ups and downs of course but it never fully went away and it just kept getting worse and worse. some months ago i reached a bmi under 18.5 (underweight) and now i am visiting my parents for the holidays (i always try to hide my ed, so i usually eat one meal with them and then find excuses for the rest), i don’t know what is happening to me but these past few days i have been eating everything in sight even when im full i just can’t stop. i feel so disgusting and bloated i dont know what is wrong with me. i had recovery in mind but this is the complete opposite, its killing me i feel so horrible that ive completely forgotten about the recovery part and i feel like i never want to eat again but its so hard to stop.

how can one really recover? i feel like i have to, mainly for academic purposes as i am going into my second year of uni but i really cannot imagine that happening. it’s not the eating part that scares me the most, because lately i’ve been eating more and more even if i don’t want to, but because i think i’m exhausted and have no energy anymore. what scares me more is that i’ve found comfort in this, and i feel lost whenever i don’t give into the “anorexic tendencies”. i am scared terrified of weight gain, and i feel like if i gain weight i will feel the need to lose it and more asap. i’m always mad at myself whether i’m eating or not eating. i guess what i’m trying to say is that i’m lost, and i see no way out :(