Struggling with recurring issues
I am 4 months postpartum and dealing with postpartum
depression. I have bipolar disorder (type 2) so this was on the radar but getting the medicine my psychiatrist has prescribed has been a nightmare. My husband and I have been very distant.
Last night I tried to have a conversation with my husband because I could tell he was surly. He had complained several weeks ago that he felt rejected because we weren’t having sex. I had said I was afraid to get pregnant again, and he said that we could do other things that didn’t risk that. And I don’t remember how it came up, but he mentioned that he has to beg for a bj. So I sat with that for a while and decided that because it’s important for him to feel loved and wanted that I would make an effort to do things for him. Which I did, but at that time I just really didn’t want to be touched sexually in return. So after a few times of me pleasuring him and not wanting to be touched, he got upset again. Saturday he told me it was still rejection if he can’t touch me.
So we talked about it last night. He said (in obviously more words) that unless we have sex regularly, he doesn’t want to do anything for me. And it has to be both of us engaged in the sex act. That if we had sex more often he would help around the house. After an hour of this conversation where you could just tell that without me doing what he wants, he just resents me so deeply, I finally said “Okay, we will have more sex”. I did the same things I’ve been doing for him after that and just let him touch me because what am I supposed to do.
I was up 12 times last night with the baby. The baby woke up at 5:30 and I thought my husband was getting up with him but he just went to the bathroom and got in bed. So I started getting up so I could take care of the baby and he says “It’s okay I’ve got him”. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. Realized if I want to have a clean house or sheets I better get up and do them before work since after work I have to make dinner and the baby won’t really let me put him down. So I’m sad. I’m very sad. I feel like I don’t want to go on, but it’s just a feeling. I have too many people depending on me to do anything with that.
I made an appointment with a therapist for Thursday. Because I don’t have a partner. I have a person who wants my body and to have a mom to take care of him. I’m not sure what do to really.