Two sessions into EMDR and struggling to access memories
I recently finished reading through some success stories here, and I wanted to share my own journey and ask for some perspective. I'm 36, male, and I've started EMDR therapy three weeks ago. I've had two sessions so far.
My Background
I had a very difficult childhood. My parents were in an unhappy marriage; my father was an absent alcoholic, and my mother constantly unloaded her pain on me. Being the most sensitive child, I became the target for her venting, and I was often labeled the "difficult" one for clashing with my brothers. Later, I experienced physical abuse from an uncle and, as a teenager, lived in constant terror of local predators while commuting to school. I never spoke up about these things, and I eventually learned to stop trusting others entirely.
I threw everything I had into my education as my only way out. It worked—I passed the most competitive entrance exams, moved to a different city at 20, and today I’m in a senior position, married and living in Europe with an owned house.
The Challenge Today
On the outside, I look successful. Inside, however, I live with a constant, unexplainable sadness. I struggle at work with focus, memory, and expressing complex thoughts. I feel "stuck", and despite my manager being supportive of a promotion next year, I am terrified of taking on more responsibility because I don't believe I can handle it. I feel like my performance has been declining since my university days.
My Experience with EMDR So Far
I started EMDR as a last resort, hoping for a "miracle" or at least a path to fixing whatever is broken. However, I’m not getting the experience many others describe.
When we focus on a memory, it feels like I have no sharp focus on the trauma at all. My mind just wanders off to random songs or a video game I’ve played recently. It’s as if there is no trauma to process. I am willing to walk through hell if it means healing, but my subconscious seems to have no interest in going back there.
My Questions for the Community:
- Has anyone else experienced this "drifting" during sessions, where your mind pulls you toward trivial distractions (like video games or music) rather than the trauma you're trying to process?
- Did it take a long time for you to finally "hit" the target memory and begin the actual work, or did the process feel this detached at the beginning for you as well?
- For those who felt "stuck" in their professional and personal life due to childhood trauma—did EMDR help you regain that focus and confidence you lost?
I’m sorry for the length of this post. I feel like I'm getting close to an edge, and I'm hoping that sharing this might help me find the right direction. Thank you for reading.