my neighbour just asked me to move my car so her friend can park outside her house and i literally feel like the devil just rose from the ground and took over me and i am now just angry crying on the kitchen floor thinking what an absolute bitch she is (i literally don’t know this woman idk why i gaf)
i went to work today (i’m a barista in a busy coffee shop) and i was already really struggling to go in, but i coached myself into a marginally more positive headspace and got myself there.
i walked in and it was absolute chaos. clearly 2 coworkers had just argued and were still angry with each other, everyone talking shit about another coworker who is off sick w mental health and i immediately accidentally made 2 decaf drinks caffeinated and got absolutely rinsed by the customer (understandable but i apologised and was on the verge of tears).
After 30 mins, i thought ‘i can’t do 9 more hours of this’ and i was really feeling the pressure of being the only manager on shift for the next 9 hours (i’ve only worked at this place 1 month and haven’t been trained properly). this caused me to absolutely spiral. Also, my legs were feeling really weak and shaky and my back was killing.
Because i know the people at this job give off vibes that they are not exactly the most understanding of mental health issues, i focused on my physical symptoms for my explanation as to why i need to go home. i mentioned my blurred vision and migraines and kind of hung on that. (i do experience these things, but i made it seem like they were more prominent than the fact i just wanted to cry and go home and not be perceived because everything was too much for me - i didn’t feel like i could articulate that at work) and now my brains telling me i’ve faked everything, im a liar, and i don’t even have pmdd.
And now im like god maybe i should’ve just got a grip and stayed at work even though i know i would have done that if i could have done that.