u/Senior-Nectarine6612

The way you make me feel is so new to me.

I feel like I’m slowly uncovering this dusty covered book found on the top shelf of a hidden corner of the library. As I dust it off and start to read, it feels like it was written for me. It stuck out just enough that it was calling for me, like it was here the whole time and somehow I am only now discovering its beauty. Lost in its words, reading slowly, taking it all in so I don’t miss a beat. I keep turning the pages and more appear, more keep getting written. Not one single page feels mundane or turns me away. I drink it up. Never ending, I would devote my life to slowly learning every letter on every page.

Music starts to play, the music of you. I sway, I listen away, not in desperation but in admiration. Learning what vibrations soothe your soul. Learning that they are also expanding my own.

Waiting in the silence of you, where a pit in my stomach would have lived if it was anyone but you. You don’t bring on the sense of doubt. I wait for it to clench, but it never happens. My intuition knows you will show up again when you are ready. You always have, you always do.

All these reasons are some of the reasons I’m falling so in love with you.

I once was asked when I last screamed. Truly, I couldn’t tell you. It’s been so long since that pitch left my throat that at this point it would only be used as a joke. Though tonight, I’ll tell you something I’d never say aloud. My insides are screaming that I just need to put the world down. It’s been so heavy on my shoulders, and I’ve carried it for so long. My eyes are heavy and my limbs are weak. Even if on the outside I’d never look so meek. I don’t want to go silent on you, this I know, but the world is heavy and I need to let it go. I can’t keep holding up all these strings while my insides are screaming. I want to be able to lift you up, to be your light, but my flame is dim. All you’re seeing is a reflection.

I won’t tell you these words, for I know your world is heavy too. We both keep pridefully carrying what we were never meant to hold. I’m not a burden to be held. I am not a resentment to be felt. Sometimes I do wish we could just melt. I’m setting the world down, but I’m not letting go of you. You have a home in my heart, and that will always be my easiest truth. I do very much love you.

Now let me go rest my eyes as the world slowly dies, and maybe in the morning I can water it again back to life. Just right now, let me be weak.

Not go to work tomorrow?
Not go to work for the week?
Just hangout tangled in each other fck,eat, and sleep?
We could roll around and do whatever we please. Honestly, we could do anything. Anything with you is what I want to do. Want to just sit and see who could stare at a wall longer? Deal. Hold my hand and let’s see who wins.
Where you are is where I wish to be.

You finally aren’t swamping every inch of my mind. I can finally sit down and read a book or listen to a podcast. I can do things during my day without you lagging my brain. Some people would call it losing the spark, falling out of love, or not feeling it anymore. That isn’t what this is. The high of you has not worn off. It has settled. It has settled into knowing, into the blossoming of security. I am finally knowing who you are instead of filling in the gaps. My brain is able to settle and relax. I still miss you with every breath. I still wish you were by my side all the time. At the same time, I am finally able to get back to my life because I know you will be there for me as I am for you. It’s a beautiful beginning.