u/SensitiveCarpet7024

I am getting triggered every time I see one of his 'favorites' pop up on my feed. I opened this hell of an app (only goonerbait content—makes sense why he loved it so much; though surprisingly so, Reddit was the only clean app on his phone!) and that's the very first thing I see: the crotch of this influencer. The same he'd write thirsty messages about as far as 4-5 years before (a year before meeting me), and who popped up in his searches/links in that dreadful D-Day, last month. Yack.

For some reason, his 'girls' appear quite often on my feed, despite me doing everything in my power NOT to search them up. 🫩

I am sorry if this short post seems a bit graphic, but one of the most hurtful memories after D-day was me doing oral sex on him, only for him to stop me, no explanation added, to masturbate. It was the only way he could get off. :(

Maybe it's not a big deal, but it ties into him lasting for minutes and minutes and minutes, making me jerk him off until my arm would burn, just to say at the end that he took so long because I wouldn't put pressure on his dick. Why not say?

That's all.

Never used them before, but started using them every single day out of the sudden—not even nudes, just photos of me, and he says how much easier it is to get off on them instead of the very particular pornos he was watching. No reaction. Just sadness.

I asked him to stop doing that, but I wonder if that'd make his addiction worse?

Last month he confessed to using porn & I expressed a very strong disagreement with that, which led to crying and ruining my own b-day to make him understand that I don't like it when he lusts over other women—especially behind my back, while pretending he is so much different than other men. He said he understood, and that he is willing to block any porn sites. A task he didn't do, but would've liked if I did it for him. I refused. He didn't block anything.

Days later, I find that he wasn't only using porn sites to get off, as he said, but also Instagram & TikTok. It was then that he decided to delete social media, though he knew he used & would've never said. He also deleted some of the accounts but others gave up on easily (like the Reddit, because it kept giving him an error & he said he would try tommorow—tommorow never came) Upon further searches, I find images in his gallery; images he knew nothing about (allegedly).

He installs an accountability app. It works on both phone & laptop (he has two) if you pay a meagre sum of money, plus some stricter settings like blocking nudity on screen. Initially, I was reticent about it, and so he didn't offer anything further. Weeks pass by.

Yesterday I asked to see his laptop. There, he did install a blocker, but not only it wasn't the blocker we initially agreed upon, but an extension he could disable any time he wanted, and also one that wouldn't even work in icognito. Seeing my reaction, which was understandably one of opposition, he became angry and sad that I never appreciate his efforts, that I insist on going through his phones for hours & every day & that I can't trust his word.

He ended up installing the accountability app & blocking the router from accessing porn. But to me, the message is clear: he doesn't want to change.

He found me paying for the accountability app to see his full history as quite absurd (despite offering to pay the first time around), and that it shows apps & links he never accessed (which might be true in part—either way, I didn't find any porn sites, but I found Reddit & Giphy & Tenor, which he doesn't see as anything but benign...his Reddit history was wiped, though he says he didn't even log into Reddit lately).

Not to mention the easiness with which he presents his recovery. No therapy. No talk about it with me either. I at least see some more interest in him, but also some perversion—everything now is sexy, hot, about me, and he insists on going down on me, and does so enthusiastically. I accept it because I like it, and I like him, but I am also disappointed and always looking for answers. That's why I look obsessively. I can't deny that it tipped into obsession, as he said, and though he says he is worried about me, I think he's more inconvenienced than anything.

He also mentioned that he didn't think that watching porn is cheating, but it's a big deal because it upsets me. And that he would've continued ++ but when confronted about it, he said it was an addiction, a real problem, that he tried years ago to stop and couldn't. (But also that I could have totally trusted him with an extension that could've been toggled off any time)

Every time I remember, my mood changes for the worse. Every day, I am sick. Every day, I am angry. It's not about the porn. It's about basic respect. And with tears and snot, he declares respecting me, loving me, wanting me. His family keeps putting pressure from the shadows, since I kept asking him to move out and in several times this past month, and at some point he wanted me to come over to his parents to prove that I am a serious partner & that he is safe. Of course I refused. And he never brought up that again, though he mentioned his brother calling him to tell him how worried he was that he decided to stay over at my place, and how upset his mom was.

But he is 22, so what could I expect from him?