34M with emetophobia/OCD — trying to stop treating food like a threat
34M here. I’ve struggled for years with emetophobia, OCD around food, and restrictive eating patterns that slowly became “normal” to me.
I’m not clinically underweight anymore but nowhere near my pre-ED weight. Which has honestly made it harder to feel valid enough to seek help sometimes, but my relationship with food is still exhausting. I’ve built rigid rules around when I can eat, when I can drink, how full I’m “allowed” to feel because fullness somehow feels dangerous and scary for me and triggers panic, spacing meals out perfectly, avoiding spontaneity, avoiding uncertainty, etc. A lot of it revolves around fear of nausea, vomiting, discomfort, or “getting it wrong.”
From the outside I probably look functional. But internally, food takes up way too much mental energy and my appetite has become tiny from years of restriction and anxiety.
One thing I’m really trying to work on now is food freedom and spontaneity again, and learning about hunger/fullness cues. because I’ve ate like this for years now I don’t feel truly in touch with that:
- eating because I’m hungry instead of because the clock says it’s “safe”
- eating at slightly random times
- allowing snacks
- drinking fluids without overthinking timing
- tolerating fullness instead of panicking about it
- gaining weight/muscle without seeing food as a threat
I think a lot of people assume eating disorders only count if someone is visibly underweight, but I feel like you can still be trapped by food rules even when your body doesn’t fit the stereotype.
Would genuinely love to hear from anyone who’s recovered from this kind of hyper-controlled relationship with food, especially other adults because I sometimes feel weirdly alone in it.