I don‘t want to be “evolved.” I want to be loved.
I’ve been sitting on this for a while. Not sure how to say it without sounding bitter. But I think this community is the only place where people might actually get it.
I’m 32. I’ve had three serious relationships. All ended for different reasons. None ended because I wanted to sleep with other people.
What I keep running into now, in dating, in friend groups, even in therapy — is this quiet implication that monogamy is something you settle for. Like it‘s the “safe“ choice. The boring choice. The choice you make when you’re not brave enough to “expand.”
I‘ve tried the alternative. Years ago. I dated someone who was poly. I read the books. I went to the meetups. I did the “work.” And you know what I found? I wasn’t repressed. I wasn‘t possessive. I was just… monogamous. My brain doesn’t split romantic love. It doesn‘t want to. When I’m with someone, that‘s it. That’s the whole thing. That‘s not a limitation. That’s my capacity.
But the narrative I keep hearing is that monogamy is fear-based. That wanting exclusivity comes from insecurity. That if I were truly secure, I’d be fine with my partner sleeping with someone else.
No. Security isn‘t the absence of boundaries. Security is knowing what you want and being okay with walking away if you don’t get it.
I don‘t want to be “evolved.” I don’t want to be “enlightened.” I just want to come home to one person. To build one life. To be someone‘s one.
If that’s boring, fine. I‘ll take boring. Boring is warm. Boring is safe. Boring is the person who still texts you from the grocery store asking if you need anything.
I don’t know what I‘m looking for here. Maybe just to hear that I’m not the only one. That there are other people who feel this way and aren‘t ashamed.