Is this actually normal in Somali families, or is this just my family’s dynamic?
I’m Somali and I’m wondering if this is actually common or if my family is just telling me it is.
Growing up, my dad would always charge my sisters and me for rides. Even in college, when I had no car, broke, barely surviving off a part time job, he’d drive me to class and then ask for anywhere from $20–100 afterward. Once we started working full time, we were expected to help pay rent and household bills while still trying to get through college and save money ourselves. My dad mostly only paid his share of the rent and rarely helped us financially.
My mom bought my siblings and me our first cars (total 3 cars) but my dad sold two of my siblings’ cars and pocketed the money and never chipped in for anything because he always said he was broke despite working full time. I feel like my mom only bought the cars because she saw how all the other Somali parents were providing for their children and were helping them so she felt like she had an obligation to. Recently his car stopped working, so he’s been using mine. I genuinely don’t mind helping him, but he constantly returns it on empty. I finally asked if he could at least put some gas in it, and he got upset, saying I’m his daughter and he shouldn’t have to. My mom agreed with him and said it’s my obligation as a daughter and he can take my car whenever he wants and return it on E.
My youngest sister is now in college and only works a small part time job. She told us she avoids asking our dad for rides because she’s afraid he’ll ask her for money afterward. The little money she earns goes toward things like food, textbooks, and other school expenses, and she’s trying to save for her first car because she doesn’t believe our parents will help her. Instead, she’d rather take the bus and train than ask our dad for a ride and end up owing him money. My other sister and I have rearranged our work schedules so we can take her to and from class, especially since some of her classes end late at night and we don’t want her feeling like she has to pay for anything. My sisters and I made this decision for ourselves and don’t expect anything from each other because it just doesn’t feel right to have to ask your immediate family member to pay for things like gas or a pack of gum.
The part I’m struggling with is that I do love my parents and would give them the world if I could. Alhamdulillah, my sisters and I help pay their bills and support the household. But I can’t help feeling hurt because when we were growing up and needed financial help, we were mostly on our own. We had to start working at a young age to buy the things we needed and wanted, and once we had jobs, we were expected to contribute to rent and other expenses while still trying to pay for school, save for cars, and build our own lives.
After I brought up the gas situation, my mom started cursing me and calling me a bad daughter. She said I shouldn’t expect anything from my parents and that there are children who would give their parents everything. I understand that, and I truly want to help my parents. I’m not upset about helping I’m struggling with the fact that it feels like we’ve always been expected to give, but whenever we needed help ourselves, there wasn’t much support. My mom says this is the culture and that adult children are supposed to pay for everything. Is this actually common in other Somali families, or is this just my family’s dynamic? does anyone else’s father do this?