Starting to have questions, a long time coming
41 M, and I'm starting to put thing together in a way that has me asking genuine questions.
I'm always been comfortable in my masculine form. Never really had a dislike of my body, or felt like it wasn't mine like I see described with dysphoria. But for a long time, when I've looked at the female form, it's felt right too. Like I wanted a way to overlay it onto me. And anytime there's a gender-flipping show, manga, story, whatever.. I'm always very interested.
Ok, now the question part. I always play female characters in games. Video games, roleplaying, whatever. Was fun to be in female "shoes", so to speak. I was making character art for a recent one using an AI generator (artists can vilify me here) and I decided to plug myself in. Like an actual picture of me, as a reference. But then I started making the character female. And I really liked seeing myself like that. But the deeper I sank into that, which was a few weeks, something began to feel missing again. So I made the character a bit more muscled to match my current physique, and gave her back male genitalia.
And now I genuinely am feeling like I want to be a futanari. And it's been weeks. Now I've started reflecting back on years of comments, habits, interactions. A lesbian that I was really good friends with, telling me that I was a "lesbian in a man's body". Like, she felt I should be male, but I radiated such a "female energy" that she was comfortable around me in a way she wasn't with other males. A trans friend commenting about me being an "egg", which I just actually looked up. I've been looking up other "egg cracking" stories and find myself resonating with some of them. Sexual tastes. I've been a fan of futanari stuff for a long time, and I always told myself it was just more women on screen to look at.. but I realized I've been self-inserting as the futa this whole time. I even tried putting myself in the mindset that last time I was intimate, and me, as a 41 year old M, went for 4 rounds over nearly 5 hours. I was insatiable in a way I haven't been in a very long time.
But I feel like even as I'm realizing things, I'm nowhere. Does it even make sense to try and speak with someone about this? I'm not really dysphoric, at least I don't think I am. I don't know if I can maintain my physique, while bolting on or trying to grow breasts and appearing feminine enough to pass. And I know there's no way to give me both sets downstairs; hell, I don't know if I can even maintain male sexual function well as a transfem.
I want to speak with my trans friend about this, but she and I have drifted apart in recent years, mostly due to geography. Particularly with her comment, I feel like she might have opinions.
I guess I'm just looking for opinions. If I'm just fetishizing, or if there's something bigger in there. Because it's not going away. That feeling. And I keep coming back to those pictures I made. Me as.. both, male and female, at the same time. And I can't stop starting at them, and not in a sexual way. Like I can't stop feeling that that's what I should be.
edit: been hanging around without any comments for about two hours, have to head out. hopefully someone will have a thought.