u/Severe-Antelope-998

M37. After being molested many times around the age of 9 by an older man I've found myself unable to connect to other people. I spent alot of my childhood alone. I used to take copious amounts of psychedelic mushrooms to try to send myself to the underworld where I feel comfortable. I have a night shift job where a patrol a facility in the wilderness. I feel at home wandering the woods at night.

The things that happened to me gave me alot of fantasies about older men that I hate. It feels nearly impossible to talk with people about it or to connect. I know it doesn't make sense but I often feel like I'm going to hell for the things that happened to me.

I'm a pretty closed off guy and this is my attempt to get this off my chest. I apologize if this is graphic.

I'm 35 now. When i was 8 or 9 my moms boyfriend used to molest me. He used to make me give him blowjobs and do 69. This part is really hard to say but he used to make me bend over and lick me.

I didn't even realize it affected me until I was in my late 20s. I've only been with women since those things happened but I have urges where I'm attracted to older men and its really tough to deal with.

It's been very hard for me to love my mom because it made me attracted to her and I felt like she should have known.

No one has any idea.