u/Sharp-Natural-5359

I have a problem that has been affecting me for years, and I'm wondering if anyone can relate or has any idea what it might be

I really really dislike people I've hated going to school since I was a child because I've always been scared of people in their truest form. I feel like nobody could ever truly accept who I am. Sometimes I get so irritated by people that it feels like everything they say gets on my nerves I start thinking that maybe i should just isolate myself and i actually do. This applies to people in real life my family and even people online.

At the same time, I feel extremely lonely and can't seem to get along with anyone but everyone have at least one person to trust. Whenever people tell me they don't hate me I immediately assume they're just lying so i would stop my shity behavior. Whenever i hear whisper like noises i always feel like its about me. They're talking about how tribble i have become. Every once in a while I suddenly become extra convinced that everyone dislikes and talks behind my back and I end up deleting chats unfollowing people (like everyone i liked and had connections witt) cutting off contact and isolating myself even though they haven't actually done anything wrong. I don't have many friends. I don't talk to people. I talk to one friend but only 1 time in a month.

The strange thing is that this feeling eventually goes away after some time (the feeling still exists but it somehow hurts and affects less than previous stage) I realize I may have overreacted but while I'm in that state I genuinely believe that everyone hates me and i hate everyone. The only thing that seems to help is when people directly reassure me that they don't. The hatred is so strong that it burns.

I know this behavior hurts people and isn't sustainable people around me tell me I need to get diagnosed but I can't afford therapy

Also everyone has to interact with others and build relationships and I feel like I can't keep living like this

Is there a name for my condition?