u/Shea_Butter_22

I'm sorry this post is long, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

I (30F) am absolutely terrified and feel unprepared / not ready (yet or ever) to have children. My gf (37F) of 3 years is wanting to have kids like yesterday. She keeps telling me that her biological clock is ticking and she needs to be pregnant by the end of the year for a pregnancy to "truly stick since she's running out of time". For context, my gf has endometriosis and other health complications. She's told me several times how she feels her body rebelling and reducing her number of eggs. We've tried to see each other's perspectives on the topic, but our conclusion remains the same: I'm not ready and she can't wait on me any longer to decide whether or not I want to be a parent. Our timelines are not aligned.

We're in counseling (individual and couple), we've tried talking to fertility specialists, watching shows and listening to podcasts about CF lives or no.

We've tried discussing our options: Should I leave and call it quits? Should I stay and be a sort of "removed" parental figure? (I don't want that. It wouldn't be fair to all parties involved), should I move out and do a long-distance relationship? Should I stay and bet on one day hopping off the fence and being over the moon excited about being a parent like she is?

My main thing is that I feel extremely pressured to fold to her wanting children and being excited about it, but I just can't do it. She is in the initial phases of IVF and is looking for donners. Everyday is an argument because she sees how unmotivated and exhausted I am about this and distance myself from the process (she has started going through donner lists online and wants me included in the selection). I try to be there for her, but this is just too real. It's hard to be loving, playful, and around one another when all it seems she can think about is how she's not currently a mother.

As a same-sex couple, we have the luxury of no accidental pregnancies and really taking our time, which we are to weigh the pros and cons of this life changing decision.

We both have a secure careers, really close to our families, have nieces and nephews, and have hobbies.

I enjoy the freedom, the financial stability, the calm, the fun our CF life is giving us right now. I'm not prepared to give that up yet.

I will read the book "Baby Decision" I keep seeing pop up, but otherwise I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up but is it our only option to truly be happy?

EDIT: I truly appreciate the straightforward replies i'm receiving from you all. I will focus on finishing the book and will update later. Thank you again.