Is my begging first novel good? Criticism please and ignore grammar mistakes
CHAPTER 1
It can be said that the the horror started that day, but personally, it feels like that was the day where everything was just perfect. But I can’t really remember that day very well. Occasionally, I can’t remember it at all. but it still feels like it happened to me yesterday. I really can’t remember anything before that day, I struggle to remember close family and friends’ names, and I have completely forgotten other family members, like cousins and uncles, names completely. I think I had a nephew; I vaguely remember my sister telling me she was with child, but I can’t remember when or if it happened at all. Actually, I can’tremember my sister, did I even have one at all? Are the things I think on a daily basis. I can’t remember. It’s strange, it’s like I’m going mad, but I know I amgoing mad, and I know there are people that were in my life but I can’t even remember their names or even who they were.
Sometimes I forget how I ended up here, almost like I was born and raised in this place, but I can vaguely remember me almost transitioning through space and timebut sometimes it felt like I was just opening a door to a hallway A place. A place that can take me somewhere else than my life back home. But the few memories which I can mostly remember, feel like I was already a part of this place. And in those memories, I can somewhat manifest how miserable my life once was. Almost like me coming here was my only real, authentic goal in my life. The only thing in my life with actual meaning. I don’t know why it felt like that, like I have been a part of this place ever since I have been born. And I will be a part of this place until the day I move on. I move on to a better place, a place I can be happy. And this place is here. I never came here, I already moved on to a new place. This is that place, a place where no-one gives a shit about how miserable my life is, and you can tell how shit my life isbecause, I can’t remember anything and the one thing I do remember is how miserable my sad life truly is.
Oh god. I have lost it; Haven’t I? how would I be a part of this place and being made here? I know I have family; I just don’t know who they are and their names, but at the same time, I can’t even remember myself at all so how could I know my family. It must be this place, it doing this to me, it feels like I came here yesterday, but at the same time, it feels like I have been here for years. Am I even lost? Who even am I? I hate this, I don’t know who anyone is and I don’t know who I and I don’t even know where I came from.
But at the same time, I like it here. I’m not going back to my shit life.
Chapter 2
“Hi! uhh… My name is Adam Brooks and I will be excellent here b-b-b-because-because... I have verry g-g-good-good-d…. GOD DAMMIT! FUCKING HELL” Adam sighed deeply “How the hell am I gonna do this interview” he whispered to himself.“Remember what Liam said, just try again, Hi! My name is Adam Brooks and I will be excellent here because I have a master’s degree in coding and IT s-s-s-skills, it says on my C-C-CV how I graduated with Honours at the U-U-University of Ch-Ch-Chicago a-and…. GOD DAMMIT IM FUCKEED” Adam shouted at the top of his lungs. He stood back in front of a mirror, ripping of a tie in the process. And he banged his head on the wall accidently from his outburst, but because he had so much adrenaline in him, he didn’t realise he was bleeding. He walked into his bedroom, and scratched his bed and felt the blood, “Well shit” he muttered. He while humming and whistling to himself -like this was a daily event- opened his bedside table and pulled out a bandage. He put it on with slight force, he already had 3 on hishead. But then, he started pacing back and forth. His hair was neatly combed and he wore a nice tony suit, and he had a small ear-piercing on his left ear. In the end, he ended up on his bed in exhaustion. He reached into his posh suit pocket, and pulled out his cell phone. He called one of the only supportive people who was in his sad life, his brother Liam. Liam was different, he wasn’t like other people who would look and stare at him for having an outburst. Another thing Adam liked about him, which has nothing to do with how helpful and supportive he was. He was a man whowas relaxed and didn’t give a shit about anyone’s opinions about him. Adam admired this; he knew for other people that would not be impressive in the slightest. But Adam really admired him, and looked up to him like an older brother, even though Liam was his younger brother.
Liam was that simple, he wore the exact same outfit every day. Adam didn’t know because of washing and laundry. Sometimes he considered if he had multiple pares of the same outfit. And the outfit he wore was also verry strange He heard it ring and ring, and ring. Until eventually he heard a,
Liam: “what’s up?”
Adam: “Nothing really “sigh”, just I practised the interview like you asked”
Liam: “And how did its g-…Is that another bandage?”
Adam: “I messed up, and I got angry again, and in my fit I accidently banged my head”
Liam: “Jesus Christ, you’ve already 3 on you? Did you try those exercises like I told you?”
Adam: “Yes I tried breathing in and out, holding my breath telling the therapist what I see in the black blobs.”
Liam: “Chuckles”
Adam: “No but seriously, it has been slightly helping my nerves, but I still get angry”
Liam: “How angry”
Adam: “I mean…sometimes it can just be a sigh…sometimes self-harm…” Adam didn’t accidently bang his head, it was intentional.
Liam: “Is that what those bandages are from?”
Adam: “sigh” …” yes”
Liam: “Have you been taking those pills the doctor prescribed you?”
Adam: “DON’T FUCKING TELL ME TO TAKE THOSE PILLS, I DON’T HAVE TO DO A GOD DAMN THING…. I-I-I-I-M so sorry”
Liam: “bloody hell who pissed in your Weetabix”
Adam: “No seriously, I’m sorry. But those pills…uhh...well they make me someoneI’m not. And the self-harm is uncontrollable, it’s not like I just wake up and think I’mgoing slit my wrists! Yea no more suffering!”
Liam: “laughter” “but no seriously, you’re going to be fine, oh shit. I have to make a PowerPoint presentation, uh. ok bye!”
Adam: “B- “he had already hung up. As much as Adam liked Liam, he knew that his life was so much easier than his. He could just hang up and be fine, but he knew if he did that, he would not be fine at all in the slightest.
He thought Liam had already figured his life out. Because Liam had an amazing job and wife and lived in quite literally, suburbia. They had a dog, were financially stablehad great neighbours and just lived perfect lives.
But one thing was wrong with their lives, a couple years ago his perfect wife was with child. And Liam was so stoked to be a father and so was Liam to be an uncle.But not long after she took the test, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. The doctors recommended that she should have an abortion, but she loved the Babie tomuch to give it up so she refused. So, on the “amazing” day of her pregnancy she died from eternal organ failure. Even through all that, he managed to push all of his grief away, and instead, helped out his brother. But still through that grief, Adam still thought he was the victim. But in many ways, he was.
Chapter 3
“I will back in a minute mom!” Adam left his home to go grocery shopping for his mother for dinner. It has been 4 days since his conversation with his brother. He lived in downtown Chicago in his parents’ home and his area was pretty crime ridden but other than that, it wasn’t that bad. He always took the same route to go the grocery store, through the gulley. Take a left. Walk past a tree which was burnt at the base. Cross the road. Walk past the broken street light. And you are there. As he walking through the gulley, he thought about the conversation he had with Liam. And eventhough he had a better life than him. He didn’t know how he could be so up-beat not long after a horrible tragedy. But then he realised, he was verry quite and sad in the years after her death, but recently, he has been so happy and helpful. Yes, he was like that in those years as well, but, not like this. And, no-one can stop that much, that fast over that small period of time.
Adam just shrugged it off, maybe he has been forgetting his grief helping him. But then Adam felt a-lot of guilt, he made his brother skip several stages of grief just to care for him? He thought he was such a fuck-up, he is such a horrible person he should be punished, but instead everyone just pitties him.
He walked past the burnt tree in lots of shame, but all of a sudden, he stopped in his tracks. He saw his old friend, Lenny.
“W-Wait, LENNY!” Lenny looked at him from a distance, and his face turned from confusion, to excitement.
“Adam!” Lenny slowly ran/jogged towards him, until he got to quite close to him.“Man, how have you been I haven’t seen you in” squinting his eyes,”7 years”
“Man, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Let’s move over here” they move onto the cold sidewalk and sit on the ground, “I’d catch up over some drinks, but I’m running some errands for my mom,”
“I can help? I used to love when your mom would invite me to your house and we would have sleepovers with mark”
“MARK! Now that’s a name I h-h-haven’t heard in y-y-y-years…Fuck, Fuck, FUCK”
“what’s wrong?!” Liam said confused, but slightly concerned
“I-I-I have…. uh…I was…. uhh… diagnosed a few years ago with IED”
“Oh…what’s that?”
“Oh well it’s a medical condition that causes me to have well, really bad outbursts”
“Oh god”
“Yea, and remember baby Liam?”
“Your brother?”
“Yea, he’s a therapist now” Lenny starts to laugh,
“Man, I remember when he would cry when you would take away his small bear thingy, he’s a therapist now?!”
“Yea but his wife well, u-uh d-d-ied a few y-years back” Lenny’s smile slowly turned to an emotionless glance,
“Oh…I-I-I-I’m so sorry” Quickly, the call he had with Liam a few days ago comes flooding back. How he said the exact same thing to Liam a few days ago. This makes him light headed has Liam