What to do with my (29f) high functioning alcoholic BF (41M)
Preface: I LOVE YOU MARK. I've been listening to you religiously everyday for years. You've even narrated my dreams before lmfao. Thank you for being open with your life and providing such comfort in mine.
I do not know where to start, but I guess a little background is necessary for context. I, 29F, met my boyfriend 41M at a union job about 3 years ago. It was a whirlwind from day one. I have a child, and his youngest is the same age as mine so life-stage wise we were pretty compatible. Both of us make good union money, have a good head on our shoulders, and there honestly isn't the age-related power imbalance I was initially worried about. We are on equal footing is all I'm going to say on the age gap.
He has always been a high functioning alcoholic, his whole family is if I'm honest. He travels for work so he's drunk everyday after work consistently the month or two he's gone. Calls me slurring his words and the whole shebang. It's not much better when he's home. I've repeatedly asked him to stop drinking or at least moderate his drinking when he's home and especially around the kids as I refuse to have them be around addiction. I didn't really realize the extent of it until I bought a house to be closer to him. He's drinking.... everyday. Or he'll go over to his dad's shop and drink with the guys there to seemingly get away from us. He'll say he'll be home soon and then 4 hours go by... He'll drive messed up home.
I gave him an ultimatum about 6 months ago that if this path continues then I am done. Well and truly. I told him that I didn't care if he drank while he was at work, as that's kinda what everyone does. Myself included, just not remotely as heavily. As of 3 months ago I am a stay at home mom, in order to help take care of his kids while he travels. (custody crap with his ex that I don't think is relevant). I do not drink at all or use any kind of substances. He is home for the summer and he didn't drink around the kids for approximately 3 weekends... then of course something happens that's stressful with his ex and he's been mildly messed up every day since.
He's easy to read when he's had too many, eyes slightly cross, obvious stumbling, can't understand him, his whole face changes. It's awful. He doesn't get mean or anything like that, none of us are in danger or anything close.
I guess, what do I do to get him to stop? Or moderate his drinking. I have no care in the world if he drinks a couple here and there like a normal person. But this man can throwback 10-15 in one sitting and thinks that he's cool as a cucumber and fine.
Tonight was the last straw really. We haven't been intimate, we've been arguing a lot, both feeling overwhelmed with kids (trauma on their end), and I asked that tonight since his kids are at their mom's house, and my kiddo is really easy, that there be no booze, no hanging out as his dad's, just come home... have a home cooked meal with me at the table, do some intimate stuff, reconnect and talk. Comes home with a beer in his hand an hour late. I expressed how disappointed I was to no avail. Just kept on drinkin. He's not blitzed or anything, but definitely feeling good. The only thing he really asked about was being intimate, surprise, my answer was F no, surprise.
This is only the 'bad' I'm sharing. I am absolutely in love with this man, he's planning on proposing this summer. What do I do? Should I cut my losses, go back to the hall for work and be the badass single mom I was before? Or is there things I can do to salvage this relationship. He really is worth the effort, but I don't want to teach my daughter that it is okay to accept less than what we deserve in a partner. I don't know.
Edited to add: Thank you for all the comments, I wrote this while a bit emotional and feel like I botched the details, I wanted to clarify some things here 😄
Work: We both work federal jobs and those of you who work them know how strict they are on alcohol and drugs. There's no drinking on the job. Ever. Any drinking would take place after work around a fire by the campers. I might have one while cooking everyone dinner, and the other guys would be getting blitzed outside.
My consumption: Like stated above I might have one after work while cooking, exclusively when I would travel for work which was about 3 months of the year. I do not consume any alcohol at all at home or at other jobs. I don't believe in it, or using drugs. I don't like feeling buzzed or drunk, & I am a lightweight.
The kiddos: His ex is not a safe person. I am invested with his 2 children because I am the only consistent safe presence in their life. He is not home for about half the year, not all in one stint but still not home a lot. Their mom is an even worse alcoholic, abuser, drug addict, and brings violent felons around the kids. *NOT AN EXCUSE* He doesn't get drunk in front of the kids, but HE DOES start drinking in front of them, nor does he drive with them in the car. He has since stopped drinking and driving (yes, I know bar is in hell) because of the fact that I had to instill it's not just him he's putting in danger but the innocent people on the road.
I know it doesn't mean much in this context, but he is an absolutely incredible father. He attends everything and anything, goes above and beyond to provide for his kids, the children adore him and he they. He hides his alcoholism from them as much as possible. We have been fighting relentlessly for full custody of the kids so they can be safe and away from their mother. Which is a huge argument I bring up with him that he cannot drink & hide his problem forever, they will see him in the same light that they see their mother. He has an addiction, just like her. He might not be abusive, but addiction is addiction no matter the rose colored glasses you put on it.
I have said that he cannot be a great father with this problem. That it's like he's playing that part, but simultaneously lying to them almost.
I hope I'm not coming across as defensive, I'm really not. I appreciate all the hard truths in the comments. I do plan on having him read this, as well as give that final ultimatum. Me & the kids or beer. That's it. AA is free, our love is free, & our support is free... but it's not the life I want for myself or our kids. I love him, but not as much as I love the children. They call me Mom and it is an honor, I will do what I need to to keep them safe.
Thank you all. I needed to read this.