TLDR: Ace spectrum or traumatized?
TW for mild SA:
I (23F) have never had a relationship and only a few kisses. When I was 16 I remember having a dream about being Demisexual and I thought it was a sign. A couple months after, a guy I considered a friend cornered me and started touching my hands, arms, neck, putting his face in my neck. Despite my obvious uncomfortableness (I was on my phone multiple times, left the area once) when I turned to told him to stop, he kissed me. I was completely shocked as this was my first kiss and not how I wanted it to go or who I wanted it with. He asked to kiss me again, I said No, he kept asking until I said Ok.
Flash forward 7 years, I have yet to be in a relationship and have only kissed two other people, neither of which I enjoyed as much as I read about. I’m an avid fanfic reader, however I can’t read anything sexual involving female vaginas, it makes me feel icky.
I experience arousal occasional when reading, but thinking about it in reality is terrifying. I have no problem discussing sex with friends or cracking innuendos, but I personally find the idea of myself having sec impossible.
To the ace people out there- has anyone had similar experiences or is this maybe a deep rooted trauma response?
Please be kind. I’m really putting myself out here.