r/Asexual

Guys I literally made a Reddit account to talk about this. It’s something I’ve been thinking about all day and I need to shout it into the void to people who would understand.

For context, I’m ace and am well-versed in queer theory, history, etc. so I know what some people might say. Yes, of course asexuality always existed, in the same way that homosexuality always existed, in the same way bisexuality always existed, etc., and it really isn’t that crazy. But the thing is — homosexuality and bisexuality didn’t always exist because we as humans didn’t always have the same concept of sexuality as we do today. I.e., the concept of heterosexuality didn’t always exist, therefore homosexuality couldn’t have existed then, either. There was no reason to differentiate being gay or straight. Even later on when “straight” relationships became the norm, there was no identity related to homosexuality the way there is today; it was your acts that were “homosexual”, not you yourself.

This is why I think talking about this is so important. Because if asexuality has always existed, then it’s in a completely different ball-game to homosexuality. Unlike the concept of “straightness”, the concept of “sex” has literally existed as long as there have been humans, probably in a similar enough capacity as it exists today. And if it is true that asexuality is an inherent experience that humans are able to have — that is, it isn’t something specific to the modern day, which I think is true anyway — then asexuality has literally always existed, because it has always had something to compare itself to (sexual attraction). Basically, when I say that asexuality has always existed, I mean that it is literally prehistorical.

(I’m sorry if this is kind of incomprehensible and/or is not as big of a deal as I’m making it out to be. I’m writing this at 1:30am.)

Hello👋

I recently got in a romantic relationship with my bestfriend of seven years. At first everything was doing great but then he started talking about kissing and having sex, and I have to admit I' not very enchabted by the thought of that. Don't get me wrong, I really like him. I was the one asking him out after having a massive crush on him for years but for some reasons I can't really imagine myself doing anything like that with him...

I'll be frank; I'm a complete virgin. I never even kissed anyone. So I'm thinkin maybe I just am a little scared to do all these things for the first time, which must be normal, but a few weeks ago I've read a fanfiction in which the main character turned out to be asexual, and I do relate to him a lot...

To be honest it was the first time I ever heard of asexuality, as I never really took the time to understand differents sexualities. I like both girls and boy, including trans people so yeah. But that's actually one of the main 'effect' from being ace...At least from what I read. After finishing the fic I started reading a few forums, always about asexuality and most them said that not carring at all about your partner's look or genre is one thing that make you ace...However I also read that ace people still can enjoy having sex (?) That's why I'm bit confused. To be honest I don't think I'd like doing it.

I do am invested in other's people romantic life, including sexual life, for exemple when I read a book, watch a movie or sum I'm happy when they get intimate at some point and I don't mind reading smut or stuff like that (as long as it is part of a love story, not just porn) but imagining myseld doing all that, even just kissing seems weird to me. Also I never really experienced sexual attraction toward anyone...I do think some people look good or stuff like that but as I said earlier I don't care that much about people's look...If i think someone looks nice it generally is because I like their clothings style and aestetic more than I might like some other person's one, but their physic itself never play an important role to me...

So, yeah. I'm just a bit lost rn, I don't know what to think. Also, to be fair with you I'm kinda scared of the truth. If I do am asexual idk how to say it to my boyfriend without offending him...I understand it could be offending to be told from your partner that they can't imagine themselve being intimate with you...And I don't want him to break up with me, I'd lose my boyfriend, sure but also my bestfriend of seven whole years...This is complicated. He's coming back in town soon and will probably try to make a move on me and I don't want to force myself into that...

I find it hard to talk about my asexuality for a lot of reasons. On one hand, it makes me sound like I'm the stereotypical GenZ kid with blue hair who navel-gazes about their sexual and gender identity constantly, and there's a growing societal resistance to that sort of thing.

It also sounds weirder, in my opinion, to announce "I'm asexual" than it is to announce "I'm gay". The fact that the word "sexual" is in it makes it sound weird to me and I just turn beet red with embarrassment. The word sounds just so cold and clinical and I don't like it. It sounds like I'm something in a labrotory. It feels more personal. Too personal. That's why I only come out to the few people that I trust the most.

To further complicate things, even the people I trust, that I came out too, don't fully understand what I mean when I say I'm asexual. To complicate things even more--even I'M still figuring it out. It's just not clear cut at all.

I wish everyone in my life knew that I was asexual and that they could just be normal about it. But alas, that is not to be. My parents are evangelical Christians who, though not Christian Nationalist, still believe that LGBTQ identities and premarital sex send you to hell. I think asexuality is an exception to the going-to-hell rule, but it's also invisible in evangelical culture. So it would still be a disaster if I told them that I'm asexual. I don't want to do that.

Even the people who know can't be normal about it. Spring semester last year in college, I started getting a lot of attention from a guy in my class (I'm a 21 year old woman btw). We would eat lunch together, and that's when I started realizing, with a pit of dread in my stomach, that he probably wanted to date me. It was the first time I'd ever gotten so much attention from the opposite sex. I worked up my courage and told him "I'm asexual" one day, and he was really kind and accepting. We remained friends and became really close anyway.

Yet almost every time we talked, he always mentioned something about me being asexual, giving the impression that he thought it meant I would never feel a hint of attraction to anyone, never date, and never marry. And no...that's not exactly true. I'm asexual. I've known it without having any words for it since I was about ten years old. But I still wish I could be in a relationship so, so bad. I just don't feel attraction, but I still wish I could have romantic relationships like other people. I even get crushes on celebrities sometimes, so I know what attraction is, and how I don't feel it for "real" people around me. They just look like thumbs with arms and legs, honestly.

But I still wish I could be in a relationship someday without my friend thinking that I'm lying about being asexual. I didn't lie! I could never lie about something like that. But sexual orientation is a really, really complicated thing sometimes.

Just as bad as the expectation that I'll never be in a relationship is the expectation that I MUST be in a relationship. My parents still say things like "When you get married, your husband will..." They always say "when," not "if." They firmly believe that I will find someone, even though I didn't through four years of college. Even though I've never so much as kissed or held hands with someone. It feels horrible with each year that passes, because I know I'm letting them down by not progressing in the area of relationships, and I'm never going to be able to have kids at this rate, and eventually they'll just be quietly disappointed and they won't know why it didn't happen for me. It's AWFUL.

Anyhow, I wish I could just throw off the label "asexual" with its stigmas and misunderstandings attached and be who I am. I wish I didn't have to be accountable to non-asexual people's expectations of what asexuality looks like. Labels just feel like boxes, like traps. But I need labels, somehow, to define myself. It's so stupid and confusing.

TLDR: Nobody in my life understands what it's like for me to be asexual. I hate the label. I just want to be who I am, unlabeled.

So, I’m married and have just come out to my husband as asexual. We’ve discussed the spectrum (briefly) and I’ve implied that I’m sex-repulsed, and he knows I’m aromantic. Have been since we met.

I love his companionship but I think he will want to take a different journey to me (he’s younger and wants kids but says he’d rather have me). Any advice appreciated.

I’m wondering if I might be asexual. I have a foot fetish and can be into that, but I’m not sexually attracted to literally anything else about women/the female body and have basically no interest in sex itself. Has anyone else experienced something similar?

I had a recent trip to the ER recently, and they thought I could be pregnant.

...I literally went there for withdrawal symptoms from my antidepressants.

I had to use the restroom, and a nurse (not my assigned nurse) wanted a urine sample while I'm at it. I did it, not expecting them to use it for a pregnancy test.

They literally wasted their resources and time by running the test.

When my nurse said that it came back negative (of course) my dad said I was on birth control. *It's for my hormonal acne. But the way he said it made it seem like I was, "Getting some."

...I'm literally at home 24/7 and if I'm not, I'm working.

When he said that to my nurse, I said quietly, "Well of course it will be negative...I don't view anyone like that." Both the nurse and my dad didn't say anything.

I really do wish asexuality and the right to be celibate was more accepted.

This experience just made the feeling of being an outcast for not wanting sex, to be pregnant, or be in a relationship with anyone.

https://preview.redd.it/72prkvu6ex1h1.png?width=988&format=png&auto=webp&s=abcb49e8e7ae67c8b136d9d57f1a27f2a2dc83e0

I've recently noticed that a lot of people hear that I'm asexual and assume I could never enjoy sex, and here's the thing while I personally am sex averse I think that generalization could be harmful to other members of the asexual community, so I made this. it's a symbol for anyone who is sex favorable or sex neutral but really it can just be used to show the diversity of the asexual community. I call it the Dirty Ace. it has all four suites of an Ace: Diamond, Heart, Club and Spade. I hope you guys love it!

Throughout my life I've had LOADS of crushes, mostly on fictional guys. When I was a kid, I'd "fantasize" about being around them, being friends with them, taking care of them when they are hurt or sick, sometimes holding hands, and maybe them saving me from danger and stuff like that. Then, when I became a teenager, I heard someone talking about their sexual fantasies, and I was like "Huh?? Fantasies are SUPPOSED to be sexual???"

My ideal partnership would be taking care of each other, maybe hugging or cuddling, going places together, having fun, etc.

So I tried making up a sexual fantasy but it just didnt sit right with me so I stopped.

Then one time, I had a crush on someone WAY older than me and my mom was telling me "You have to be logical. You can't go after every guy that makes your cootchie wet." And I was thinking like

"Wdym?? I've never really looked at that guy and felt sexually aroused by him..."

And now I still wonder, why do people kiss? Because I don't really see the hype, kissing disgusts me a bit. Do they feel horny while kissing? Do couples feel aroused by seeing each other nude?? Is that SUPPOSED to happen??

I have no desire to look at any nude guy for sexual reasons, I would only be curious about what they looked like, and that's all.

Then I remember someone told me "Oh, that guy's hot." And I thought "Hot" meant that they were tan blonde and wore sunglasses

But no....It ACTUALLY means apparently that you would like to bang them if you have the chance???

Okay, for some context, I am religious and a girl. Part of the reason I began to realize I might be ace is that the whole 'waiting for marriage thing' didnt really seem like a big deal to me, I didnt understand why people would tell me it was difficult. I would get the stereotypical "you'll change your mind, you'll probably do it before marriage anyway" and similar statements I hear ace people are often told.

For a while I thought nothing of it, and thought maybe they were right, but now years have gone by and I still feel the same. In fact, I've gained experiences like making out and whatnot and I really don't understand what the big deal is. I don't imagine that sex would be that big of a deal either, and the more I think about it, the thought of having sex even after I get married isnt appealing. Like at all.

I think its slowly becoming more apparent to the people I know that I might be ace, and I've gotten a lot of different reactions from others, but by far the strangest is from my brother. Every time I've told him something like "I dont think waiting for marriage is a big deal", or "idk if I would even do that after marriage", or "I want to get married but I don't want to sleep with my husband", he will be incredibly shocked by my perspective and say things like "your poor husband", or tell me that all guys want to have sex, and that if I want to be with a high achieving man, that man is going to want a lot of sex with me (because apparently all men are motivated by sex and only become successful because they want to sleep with women???). Most strangely, he tells me that because I'm looking for a partner who is also religious, that the only way I'm going to end up with someone who doesn't want sexual intercourse is if he is secretly gay, and that I am more likely to end up with a gay man who cheats on me than a man who is also ace.

I'm not really too worried about that happening, I think his perspective on it is kind of insane. I just wanted to share the craziest response I've received to expressing what might(?) be my asexuality (I'm still figuring it out). Has anyone else had crazy responses to their aceness, or ones similar to mine?

So, I’ve recently realized I’m probably asexual, or at least one the ace spectrum. I’ve kind of been dancing around it for the last 5 years, kept holding out for “the right person” that would prove that hypothesis wrong… but here I am, almost 23, with pretty much no dating history and not a single sexual urge towards a living, breathing person. I’m still young, so who knows how I may feel later on, but at the very least, I haven’t had a conventional experience with dating and the feelings that come with it.

…But I don’t think I’m aromantic? I do desire companionship, and ultimately want to have a committed partner to share my life with. Romantic relationships have always sounded nice in theory, but with regular dating, the issue of the sexual aspect has always held me back from trying to pursue partnership with anyone. This sounds really dramatic, but the threat of having to be physically with someone always filled me with immense amounts of dread... Even if I liked the person and could potentially see them romantically.

I guess I’m curious about how partnership has worked for people who are asexual? The idea of a queerplatonic relationship or a committed romantic asexual relationship has sounded nice, but I don’t really know what that looks like in reality. Most of all, I don’t know how people even find other people who want the same thing, alongside the already difficult task of passing all the other compatibility tests required to create a stable relationship.

I guess I want to get some perspective, as someone who newly identifies as asexual, but still really wants a partner. Any other thoughts and experiences on the topic?

I'd literally just want to read, okay video games, or watch TV in my room and eat snacks. Literally anything else than wanting to have sex. 😂